[Al K Hallism: All photos link to Devanny's website.]

From the juiced-box and one of Devanny’s favorite bands: Hollywood Undead – Undead

Some of y’all will have vague memories of my Booze Revooze of Piranha 3D, the rest of you are probably still hungover. Though i found the beginning of the movie a little fishy, i eventually got hooked, especially by Devanny Pinn who caught my eye in the key role of Wet T-Shirt Girl. Imagine my surprise when i dropped her a line and she went for the interview hook, line and sinker.

And what an interview it was. Charming, intelligent, funny and unbelievably cool, she lived up to all my expectations and more. Here then is an interview that not even i could choke up. Boozehounds and Barmaids, i give you the Queen of Scream, Devanny Pinn.

There i was, drinking at the scene of the crime. A drunk bus driver had rolled a schoolbus full of high school cheerleaders down the sharp side of a rocky cliff and i was sitting on a dislodged tire drinking bloody marys when the hottest cheerleader of the bod squad rose from the mangled pile of limbs, pushing debris from her flesh, sweeping bone chips off her short skirt and combing muscle and gristle from her hair with her fingernails. She snagged the bottle of peppermint schnapps the driver hadn’t finished before going over the edge and collapsed beside me. Wiping someone else’s sinew away from her blood red eyes, i recognized her. “Devanny Pinn! The all time coolest horror actress, model and professional lady wrestler ever! Can i take advantage of your addled mental state and ask you some invasive questions?” She mumbled something that sounded close enough to “Yes” for me to go for it.

Al K Hall: Hey, when you were young and whipping and snapping in—

Devanny Pinn: …Houston, Texas…

Al K Hall: –Houston, Texas, did you freak out all the other little kids with your love of all things gory?

Devanny: I’ve been a fan of horror films since about middle school. However, no, I did not freak the other kids out. Actually, I was the perky cheerleader/choir girl. In my personal life, still even, I’m very upbeat and girlie. You would never know that I am a total gore-whore sicko. [Ah, you've never seen a smile more sly than the one she just slid me with what was left of her mouth.] Friends tell me I have the same excited squeak for Disney as I do for the disturbing parts of films.

Al K Hall: Babe, sometimes Disney is more disturbing than any horror film. What about you, you gotta have some Disney secrets, right?

Devanny: Like I said, I’m very perky and low-key. I’m generally extremely happy about nothing.

Al K Hall: Then I could make you so happy. What else?

Devanny: I wear PJs 90% of the time…except when I’m going out and then I dress up very glam. I go to church often and try to make it to the gym. I Tivo Family Guy, Bellydance Workout, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a variety of movies. Currently, I’m eating rice and beans with avocado. It is yummy in my tummy. Oh yes.

Al K Hall: What about your girlie stuff?

Devanny: My hair is totally fake. I am a huge fan of extensions so even when it’s all one color, it’s not mine! Often my tan is fake too—I found this spray tan gun that’s pretty cheap and I just bought a fake-n-bake membership as well. It makes it easier to change my look quickly and drastically for roles.

Al K Hall: And the rock and roll?

Devanny: No scars..or tats. Lame, right? I do have a subtle birthmark on my inner thigh, a pierced navel and nipple… sometimes I connect them with a chain.

Al K Hall: Don’t worry about the drool, it always does this. Wow, speaking of things i’d really like to have photographic evidence of, you were a high school cheerleader?

Devanny: Ah, yes. I’m a better dancer, I’ll admit. However I did cheer freshman and senior years of high school. It was sooo much fun. I was in killer shape and I’m naturally bouncy so I was always a crowd favorite.

Al K Hall: Killer shape and bouncy is good.

Devanny: When I started acting, I ended up using those skills in my side job: Hooters.

Al K Hall: Hell yes. And the hits just keep on coming. Basically you’ve done every stereotypical male fantasy career. Like what about stewardess?

Devanny: Being an actor comes in handy for many things. I learned this when I attempted to obtain jobs that I am nowhere near qualified for. It also means that I interview well. Some poor sucker actually hired me and I went to flight school for several months—10 hours a day 6 days a week. Originally, I just did it so I could go to auditions in other states before I moved to Los Angeles. I never had enough time off to do that, but I actually loved the job. If my films flop and everyone decides to never hire me again to act, I might pursue it as a backup career.

Al K Hall: Not that there’s any chance your films could ever flop or that your acting career could be anything less than stellar, but you also have your singing to fall back on. i mean, seriously, a classically trained soprano?

Devanny: Ha, yes. I actually have put this on the backburner. I studied a bit in college, was on scholarship for voice. I ended up leaving school because I was actually getting cast in things, which was my goal post-grad. I sang in a couple girl pop groups before I took on acting full-time. It was fun, but I was always the most dedicated person. I enjoy singing still, but would rather do it in church or in a movie.

[AlKHallism: While not technically a girl's band, here's another group Devanny likes: Some Hear Explosions - It's Our Time Now]

Al K Hall: There’s always drunk karaoke.

Devanny: I don’t do karaoke. In Los Angeles it’s not fun—everyone is trying to get discovered or be on American Idol. Besides, it’s always funny to get drunk and try to sing, or watch others do it. But when the drunk person can belt like an opera singer…yeah, I try not to put people through that, ha ha.

Al K Hall: You could put me through it. You’ve even been Eva Peron in Evita and Mary Magdalene in Jesus Christ Super Star! Will you please please please sing “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” and stare into my eyes?

Devanny: Yes, I will sing to you. That is actually how I got that role — I held the director and sang right into his eyes longingly. He was into it…and he’s gay. So you are in for a treat, my dear. [Her wink is so hot it could convert a twink.]

Al K Hall: Ooh, you are such a rock tease. Just so you know, i’m gonna hold you to that and anything else you’ll let me hold. Back to the treats, it was a treat to see you in Piranha 3D. Let me guess, you fish?

Devanny: I LOVE to fish! I tend to feel bad after I actually catch something…but the entire process is soo fun to me. I have gone deep-sea fishing, crabbing and out on the lake a few times, too and I really enjoy it. I haven’t caught a piranha yet, but ironically enough, a few have caught me. [There's that wink again and we have to wait for my lap to settle down before we can continue.]

Al K Hall: Is that how you got the part of “Wet T-Shirt Girl”?

Devanny: I was broke [cute smile and batting of eyelashes]. I was coming off of another shoot and my modeling agent was booking “hot chicks” for yet another project. This one was a horror film so I was curious about it. She needed featured girls for a wet shirt scene and then general bikini girls to decorate spring break. I booked it for the background, not wanting to be noticed at all but just to collect a check. In the end they needed to redo the wet t-shirt contest scene for the end massacre and I was picked out of the crowd to be bumped up. Alex Aja was great, he seemed to like me and gave me a little extra screen time—I even was in the film trailer for .938439 seconds.

Al K Hall: Also known as the best 0.938439 seconds of the trailer. What about Alex? What was it like working with him?

Devanny: He was pretty cool actually. My interaction with him was minimal. I saw him a little more closely at after-parties and lunch breaks, but because of the setups on the water he and most of the crew were on their own separate float and direction was done over walkie-talkie/phone. It was very cool to watch him run a set of, at times, 1500 people though. He’s got great vision.

Al K Hall: He’s a Frenchie, right? So there must’ve been tons of wine all over the place. Did they put you up in a nice hotel and give you free booze?

Devanny: Ha! You’re funny. And no they didn’t….nope.

Al K Hall: What a drag. But Piranha is set during Spring Break. Wasn’t the filming like one giant party?

Devanny: I was two weeks on location [AlKHallism: Lake Havasu, Arizona]. It was like spring break except without the booze and you weren’t allowed to get too tan, at times couldn’t go to the bathroom or have access to water, and required to “party” 14 hours a day. Which is awesome.

Al K Hall: Whoa, i can see no peeing or water, but i’m not sure “no booze” qualifies as a party.

Devanny: I’ll say it here first..I snuck vodka a couple of the days. Those were the fun ones.

Al K Hall: Go Girl! Thanks for the scoop. Did you steal, i mean “keep”, any souvenirs from the shoot?

Devanny: I did keep my wet t-shirt at first. It got lost in a move and my insane amount of traveling. I shot the film like a year ago now so I really kind of forgot about a lot of it. Had I known it was going to do as well as it did, I would have kept it and the ton of photos/video I had from the set.

Al K Hall: i kinda understand though, because you, young lady, do a lot more in a year than three alkies combined. Which of your current projects are the ones we should be paying special attention?

Devanny: Legend of the Red Reaper is a really cool project that a good friend of mine, Tara Cardinal produced, wrote, and stars in. It is a fantasy/action film and I have a cameo with Troma‘s Lloyd Kaufman. It was a lot of fun to film and should be a good watch. Diary of Death is interesting, too—the product of well-known underground music producer Joe Hollow. The whole film has a music video feel to it and I play an Egyptian goddess. The more hardcore cult scene should love it.

Al K Hall: Hey, i’m all about the cult and the love, and don’t even talk to me about the hardcore. You know, if i don’t humiliate either of us too much in this chat, maybe you could tell them i give good interview? With all this great stuff to look forward to, it’s hard to believe you’ve already made like a gazillion movies. Which of your early work made the biggest impression on you?

Devanny: Probably The Lonely Ones because it was my first. I learned a ton about filmmaking from that set, and also how much more I enjoy making horror than anything else. Song of the Shattered (which is debuting this month) is dear to me as well. My first time doing anything behind the camera and a piece I am proud of acting-wise. I hope people enjoy it. [AlKHallism: Be sure to check out the "Song of the Shattered" preview here. While you're at it, you also need to see Devanny's "15 Till Midnight" trailer to believe it.]

Al K Hall: Topping all that off like a free refill in Happy Hour, you’re already a producer! Babe! Are you the youngest producer in the history of the world or what?

Devanny: [Her smile warms my cold heart like a shot of whiskey in the middle of winter.] I’m new to producing…got my feet wet in Song of the Shattered. Currently, I’m producing a sci-fi film called Vivid. I’m learning from Tara Cardinal and after that we are co-producing the upcoming action/horror film Dog Fight. I really love the whole filmmaking process so I am lucky to have the opportunity to jump right in. In the next few years, I hope to direct. Horror needs a twisted lady’s touch.

Al K Hall: Yeah, horror’s not the only thing, babe. Speaking of how i shouldn’t ever be allowed to interview naked, my fiancée, Miss Demeanor, would find twisted and horrible ways of killing me if i didn’t ask you about your appearance in Running With Scissors.

Devanny: I did a scene for this while I was out visiting a friend in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what the film was when I came out for it. All I knew was that Brad Pitt was producing, ha ha. I was psyched and spent like 3 hours getting ready, hoping he would be there. Of course he wasn’t…but better than that was the scene with Annette Benning. She is flat out brilliant. Her stand-in did the scene half of the day and I had the lines memorized and was bored to tears. Annette came in and suddenly it was a whole new experience. She is just fascinating to watch! Sweet as can be, too. I just loved working with her.

Al K Hall: There’s no way she can be as sweet as you, though. You even do charity work, for Christ’s sake. What’s the “Scream for a Cause Foundation” and “Costumes for Kids”? If any of my readers are interested or drunk, what’s the best way for them to contribute?

Devanny: Yes, the only thing more important to me than my work is my foundation. “Scream for a Cause” is a charitable organization I created in which people within the genre use their names, following and influence to give back. Previously, we held a blood drive to benefit the victims of Haiti and next up we’re collecting Halloween costumes, makeup, decor and funds to give kids who may not otherwise have it a Trick-or-Treating experience! If you would like to help we are VERY glad to have you. Gently used kids costumes or a donation of any size makes a huge difference—you can go to costumesforkids.net for additional details. Thank you!

Al K Hall: In keeping with the “charity work” theme, you’ve done tons of these interviews and everyone asks what you want to say to your fans. Because i’m an interviewer rebel who still sucks at this, i’m gonna ask you a different question. What do you want to tell a fan who’s totally shitfaced and keeps coming up to your table in a club to tell you how awesome you are?

Devanny: “I am going to tell you—I already know. Thanks drunkers. Now sit your ass down and have another drink. In fact, buy me one while you’re at it. Drinks speak louder than compliments. Cheers.”

Al K Hall: “Drinks speak louder than words”… [i get a little choked up here and start guy crying.] That’s beautiful. So beautiful it almost makes me want to spare you the mandatory Bar None Questionnaire. Almost. Here it goes. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Devanny: Blue Moon, X-rated Vodka, Bacardi Bay Breeze, Bloody Marys and Cabernet Sauvignon (which I had to pull out and have a glass of since I didn’t know how to spell it).

Al K Hall: Bottoms up, babe! Thank God you don’t have to spell it to drink it. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Devanny: Hmm…last week. I usually either have a glass of wine or I’m out to get plastered. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing type of chick. My drinking habits match. I get totally wasted and wake up with a hangover almost every time I drink. That only stops me once in a while.

Al K Hall: “All-or-nothing”? “One glass or out to get plastered”? “Get wasted and have a hangover every time I drink”? Nope, don’t know any of those expressions. Never had any of that happen to me. Ever. EXCEPT ALL THE TIME. Holy shit, it’s like you’re my skoal-mate! Wait, do you smoke?

Devanny: NOOOO! BAD bad bad bad. I am an unofficial spokesperson for the anti-smoking population. That and I’m allergic to cigarettes. I do smoke hookah, though. But why smoke when I can drink?? Booze…yes, booze.

Al K Hall: Why not smoke when you can do both? Nah, i see where you’re coming from in a way. Like i’m allergic to hangovers, they always make me as sick as a dog. Hookahs, though, that’s cool. What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Devanny: Fuck no, I don’t swear. Damn it, who the hell swears?

Al K Hall: Fuck if i know. Speaking of profanity, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Devanny: You have the best name…ever. I totally looked at it like 5 times before I noticed, actually. Ha ha, don’t judge me!! You have totally inspired me to be hooked on your site and to get drunk tonight. You rock my sick twisted alcoholic world. On behalf of all the boozeho’s out there: thank you, Al.

Al K Hall: [Blushing uncontrollably and blubbering almost as much as he drools...] No, thank you, darling. That’s the nicest thing i’ve heard since the last time i was sober. Yes, that long. Next round’s on me and you can come back any time you like.

[Another band Devanny's into: Dead Man's Bones - My Body's A Zombie For You]

And that’s all she wrote, literally. Of course, there was no bus accident for her to stumble from in a short cheerleader skirt torn so high you can you see the birthmark on her inner thigh. Unfortunately for me but fortunately for her, the entire interview was conducted through e-mail. i messed around with my questions to create the illusion that we were together, but i have left her answers unscathed.

All that remains is to thank Devanny for her precious time and her priceless answers. She is truly a wonderful lady and it’s been a great pleasure for me to work with her.

© David Leyes

[AlKHallism: All photos link to either Naomi's website, The National Theatre of the World website or Naomi's IMDB page.]

From the Juiced-box and a group that Naomi approves of:  The Be Good Tanyas – Littlest Birds

Wow, remember how y’all keep saying i’m funny but looks aren’t everything? Well, this time i’m in so far over my head that i’m tea bagging myself (and how do i get myself into these positions anyway?) because the woman i’m about to interview is not only funny, but she’s super intelligent and great at improv as well. Plus, she’s not even funny looking at all. i’ll say it again, how do i get myself into these positions?

Naomi Snieckus had a good part in Saw 3D, a part that was so good it was better than the entire freaking movie. Course the part in her hair was better than the whole freaking movie but there you go and if i didn’t like the movie, it certainly didn’t have anything to do with Naomi, who did a great job as an agent called Nina. Not only does Naomi / Nina get killed in a killer way, she does it with grace and style. Scared to death was i when i approached her for an interview but, just like her character in Saw 3D, she showed what she was made of.

i was drinking Iceberg Vodka (made with water harvested from icebergs, doncha know) in some truck stop way out in the Canadian wilderness when i accidentally stumbled out the back door while looking for the toilet and fell into a snowdrift higher than i was and deeper than the debt i’d downed on tab. i was stuck in the snowbank and freezing faster than a daiquiri but couldn’t feel a thing because of the vodka blanket when, suddenly, a hand reached down into the Canadian powder, grabbed me by my scruffy neck and pulled me back into the light of the full Canadian moon. Imagine my surprise when i saw my savior was none other than Naomi Snieckus, star of Saw 3D. “Babe,” i slurred between my Curaçao blue lips, “can i interview you for the Bar None? At least until the tips of my extremities start to get warm,” i added when i saw her hesitation. She pulled a mini bottle of Northern Lights whiskey from this little barrel she wore around her neck like a lucky charm and nodded her assent.

© David Leyes

Al K Hall: So you live in Canada, right? How Canadian are you really?

Naomi Snieckus:  I mean, are any of us REALLY Canadian? My father is Lithuanian and my mother is British, so I grew up playing weird egg games at Easter and putting sugar on my cooked carrots. Not so Canadian, eh?

Al K Hall: What makes you Canadian, then?

Naomi: I think the most Canadian thing about me is my love of the outdoors. Spending time at a cottage always re-grounds me to my Canadian roots.

Al K Hall: “Outdoors…grounds…roots…” Wow, you are good. Would you ever leave the Great White North if Hollywood wanted to snap up your mad talent?

Naomi:  I would never turn down a great chance to do something fun in another part of the world, but I’ll always come home to Canada. I’ve driven across the country three times now and each time I’m reminded just how lucky we are to live in Canada!

Al K Hall: Yeah, not to mention hung mounties, Labatt Blue and all the snow you can eat. Speaking of lucky, do you have any scars, tats or nicknames?

Naomi: Yup…I have a tatoo of a scar, ’cause that’s what people call me in the ‘hood: “Scar”.

Al K Hall: That’s how you roll, eh? So, what’s your idea of a good time, Scar?

Naomi: You know, I have a pretty fun life. I get to do shows with the funniest guys in the world (Matt Baram and Ron Pederson and Chris Gibbs) that are all about making people laugh; then at the end of the day I come home to a house full of fun people, too.

Paul Bates, Joe Flaherty, Naomi, Matt Baram and the Fun

Al K Hall: Hey, i’m a pretty fun guy. Wanna have some fun with me?

Naomi: My partner is Matt Baram—

Al K Hall: Dammit. Give me another mini bottle of  Northern Lights, you Saint, you.

Naomi: — and we have two roommates: Ron Pederson and Naomi Wright— all artists, all fun to be around! One of my fave things to do is when some of our fabulous neighbours pop over spontaneously and we all make martinis till the wee hours of the morning!

Naomi Snieckus, Matt Baram & Ron Pederson

 Al K Hall: i hear that. Martinis and wee hours…course i get to the wee hours faster with beer. While we’re talking about martinis, what’s something I wouldn’t know about you until i get drunk with you?

Naomi: I speak French really really well—and I love you, man.

Al K Hall: Wow, the tips of my extremities are really starting to feel the warmth. Staying on top of that hot topic, tell me about your favorite vices.

Naomi: Work. I love working. I love our company “The National Theatre of the World” and seeing how far we can go with the projects we’re working on. I’m a bit addicted to my laptop…that and heroin…but I can say “no” to heroin ANY time.

Al K Hall: You know, you’re my heroine and i could never say ‘no’ to you, Lollypants. Can i call you ‘Lollypants’? [i can tell by her look that i absolutely cannot.] Oooh, sorry, Scar. Let’s talk about your down time. What’s your idea of a boring evening?

Naomi:  Watching BAD reality TV shows while doing my taxes and cleaning up my hard drive…and eating plain toast.

Al K Hall: Yeah, taxes suck. That’s why i stopped doing them. What do you guys like to do to escape the drudgery?

Naomi: We have two great dogs that we love taking to the beaches or high park. I also love meeting friends for coffee—long coffee chats, nothing better! But mostly we’re at our computers somewhere in the house; sometimes it looks like we’re playing an intense game of Battleship!

Al K Hall: ”Battleship”. Damn, you are good. Now, tell me something i don’t know.

Naomi: My father won the order of Lithuania for his contribution in organic chemistry. I had a teacher that told me I would have trouble being an actress cause he thought I was dyslexic. Second City wouldn’t see me for an audition so I crashed them!

Al K Hall: You rock it the hard way, babe. How did that happen?

Naomi: I was living in Vancouver at the time and had planned to visit Toronto around the time of the auditions. I waited and waited and at 5pm the day before, I realized that they hadn’t called me and weren’t going to see me for the auditions. It was one of those moments in your career when you just shake your head and think, “God, what do I have to do?” So the next day I went down and crashed the auditions. I couldn’t stay for the call backs as I was leaving for Van the next day, but as I left the building Carlie Baxter, one of the producers, ran after me and said, “They’re really interested—great job.” It was pretty exciting! Then I waited in Vancouver forEVER till I got the phone call saying, “We’d like to offer you a place in the National Touring Company.” That was a big day!

© David Leyes

Al K Hall: Damn, i bet. That puts you in the same league as John Belushi, John Candy and Mike Meyers!

Naomi: It’s always been a dream of mine to work at Second City and I grew up watching SCTV. I consider myself really lucky to be included in a family like Second City. I still am in awe that I get to be part of a legacy that includes Eugene Levy, Catherine Ohara, Martin Short, Tina Fey, Steve Carrell… Amazing! Second City just celebrated 50 years and we went to this amazing weekend in Chicago where all my heroes were gathered. It blew my mind that I got to be included in that! Now, after 5 shows that I wrote and performed, I’ve done corporate work with them and just finished directing the National Touring Company.

[Musical Interlude and one of Naomi's shout-outs with a cool freaking name: Ron Sexsmith - Secret Heart]

Al K Hall: Babe! That means you pro’lly know “Robin”  from How I Met Your Mother. Because she’s Canadian, too. [AlKHallism: the actress who plays 'Robin' is Cobie Smulders, born in British Columbia to a Dutch father and British mother.] Seriously.

Naomi: Hmmm…like you know Amanda Campbell from TWISI.com or Steve Fisher from torontoist.com? They’re bloggers, too. HA!

Al K Hall: Augh! Whatever Amanda told you was a lie. Especially that part about the llama and the love bite around the general vicinity of my groin. But enough about my hobbies. How’d it work out that you got the role of “Nina”, the agent in Saw 3D?

Naomi: Really, I think I screamed the loudest until they gave it to me. I haven’t done anything like that movie before. I guess I knew what it was like to make something funnier, so I applied the same thing to making something grosser.

Al K Hall: Where was the shoot? Did they put you up in a nice hotel? More importantly, did you get free booze?

Naomi: The shoot was in a very glamorous studio in the East End. Jean-Claude Van Damme was wondering around all the time, and they fed us caviar daily.

Al K Hall: Caviar? East end? Van Damme? Really?

Naomi: No. Truthfully,  I took a cab every day and they made me eat blood for lunch.

Al K Hall: Mmmm, blood. Sounds like Twilight. Which reminds me, and be honest now, before you got the part, how many of the Saw‘s did you see?

Naomi: Honestly? Before I did Saw 3D, I saw 1/8th of the first one.

Al K Hall: And now?

Naomi: And now I’ve seen one and one eighth! They freak me out…I love sleep and those images are creepy, hard to shake.

Al K Hall: How does one prepare for a role like “Nina”? Did you ask your friends to do scary things to you for hours or what?

© Skye Regan

Naomi: YES! I asked Matt to every once in a while to creep up on me, grab me and lock me in the closet for a couple of days. It was fun, at first, but then I think he started liking it too much. When it went on even after I’d stopped shooting …that got a bit weird.

Al K Hall: Did you see the movie in the theater?

Naomi: I did! I saw it with Matt but missed the first 20 minutes ’cause my eyes were shut and my ears were plugged. I just watched Matt’s expression for what the gross parts were.

Al K Hall: What did you think about the movie in general?

Naomi: It seemed the full house liked it. I mean, no one threw up, so it wasn’t that scary.

© David Leyes

Al K Hall: Before Saw 3D, you did tons of TV shows and shorts in Canada, from The Ron James Show to Little Mosque on the Prairie. Is there anything you’re especially proud of that we here in the Bar None should know about?

Naomi: I’m really proud of most of the stuff I do ’cause I get to work with great teams of people – is that corny?

Al K Hall: Yeah, kinda. If ‘kinda’ means ‘a lot’.

Naomi: Seriously, from TV, to film, to commercials to theatre—to me, that’s what it’s all about—working with folks that you like, that are passionate about their work and that like to have fun! On Ron James I got to do a bunch of different characters, which was really fun and same as Little Mosque…, though a different kind of character.

Naomi and another hottie in her show “Winging It”

Al K Hall: i got a  really big kick out of that one series with that one hot chick, Erin Karpluk. What is it about Canadian cold that makes Canadian women so smokin’, anyway? Oh yeah, Being Erica, that’s the series i’m babbling about.

Naomi: The character “Vair” that Jessie Gabe wrote for me  for the Being Erica webisodes —that’s tons of fun cause she writes it with me in mind and we have fun tweaking the dialogue. I also just worked with Gerry Dee on his new pilot TV show for CBC that is called Mr.D. Hope CBC picks it up! That was a great time working with that guy (he’s one of my favorite stand ups – you have to check him out on Youtube), so fingers crossed you’ll all see more of it! But I’ll tell you, the thing I’m most proud of is our company, because we created it from nothing and every time we get an award (CCA for best improv troupe 2009 and 2010) or whenever we get press I feel really proud of our work. Working with Matt and Ron—that’s a pretty great job!

Naomi with Chris Gibbs © Skye Regan

Al K Hall: You think that’s good, you should try being an alcoholic writer—smell the victory, man. You’ve also got some upcoming roles, like the lead in Boss of Me, which is a short. How short is it?

Naomi: It’s a short short — we’ve worked with these guys at 83 Pictures before…they’re awesome. Keep your eye on that team—they’re gonna make something amazing!

Al K Hall: Saving the best for last, you star in a TV series that has the coolest name ever invented by a human being anywhere in the history of human beings of all time: The Drunk and on Drugs Happy Funtime Hour. Where do i sign up to be a member of the cast? Seriously, i play drunk. A lot. Don’t you need an extra something?

Naomi: Okay, you know that’s just the name, it’s not how we lived on set, right? Like Corner Gas isn’t about a gas station and Little Mosque on the Prairie has nothing to do with a mosque. Ooooh, wait a second….

[Another of Naomi's favorites: The Human Statues - The Carol That I Know]

Al K Hall: And what’s your part in this series of the Gods?

Naomi: My role was playing Amy Sedaris’ assistant. She’s one of my favorites — god, she is FUNNY and weird and surprising. Every take we did, she would surprise me. It was a bit of a dream gig hanging out with her. She has a new wacky craft book too—she’s always got something going that is interesting! Not sure what the plans are for that show yet so stay tuned…and stay drunk.

Al K Hall: From your mouth to…my mouth. Uhm, or whatever. Let’s just move on, shall we? Apart from star of the screen, you’re also a light on the stage, and pretty freaking bright, too. You belong to something called The National Theater of the World. What’s up with that?

Naomi: We have two shows. Our first show is “Impromptu Splendor” and that’s a monthly show at Theatre Passe Muraille where we improvise full plays in the style of playwrights. I love this show. We get to do real, truthful acting, but funny stuff too and we make it all up based on an audience suggestion. It really marries two of my favorite things: theatre and improv.

“Impromptu Splendor” Photo © Skye Regan / Graphics © Kurt Firla

Al K Hall: What? No puppets!?

Naomi: Our other show is “The Carnegie Hall Show”. That’s more of a variety show with improvised bits, but then we have guests that come in and sing, or dance or…do puppet stuff. [Insert 'Woot' here.] Or hula hoops. You never know what you’re gonna get. It’s a great show we do at the Bread and Circus every Wednesday night and it’s guaranteed laughs!

Al K Hall: You sold me. What does it take to see one of these shows? Where and when and how much?

Naomi: It takes movement—the movement that would get a body down to a spot in Toronto! The Impromptu Splendor is the last Sunday of every month, and costs $12 at the Theatre Passe Muraille, 16 Ryerson Avenue. There’s a free reading of work by the featured playwrite at 7:30, followed by a discussion. The show starts at 9 and at 10 there’s the opening / closing night party!

Al K Hall: Woot again!

Naomi:  The Carnegie Hall Show is every Wednesday night at the Bread and Circus, starting at 9pm. PWYC – variety, music and laughs!

The Carnegie Hall Show © Albert Lee

Al K Hall:  i get the idea behind improv but what exactly happens in your shows? Do like members of the audience scream out things like “Duck”, “Fig”, “Tinsel”, “Constipation”, “Canada Day” and you have to act like a tinsel wearing constipated duck eating a fig on Canada Day or what?

Naomi: Yup. Exactly. You’ve obviously done improv before.

Al K Hall: You’ve obviously been talking to people about my sex life. But hell, you’ve won awards and everything! Like the Canadian Comedy Award (is it true the trophy is called a “CaCA”?) for Best Female Improviser. How cool is that!

Naomi:  I did not know it was called the CaCA, but I doubt I’ll be referring to it that way.

Al K Hall: Your call. Did you have an acceptance speech already planned?

Naomi: I didn’t have a speech. I forgot, to be honest. Also, I thought the awards started at 8pm, but it was 730pm and we were almost late—I had to take my curlers out in the cab. But, I had in my heart what I wanted to say and that was something like: I’m the luckiest gal in the world—I get to make people laugh as my job! And, at the end of the day, I get to come home to the funniest man in the world – Matt Baram.

Al K Hall: That’s so sweet! [i brush away a tear.] Don’t worry, it’s not me, it’s the vodka crying. Hey, if  this interview gets over a hundred hits will you thank me?

Naomi: For you…if this article gets 100 hits, you will definitely get a shout out in my status line.

Al K Hall: Cool, that’s almost as good, right?

Naomi: It’s the best I can do right now.

Al K Hall: Status line it is, then. i also read you’re a writer and working on something called Unrelated…

Naomi Also Makes Bags And T’s for the Company

Naomi: I’ve always got a bunch of projects going—keeps me creative. One of them is a TV show I’m working on with Breakthrough films called Unrelated, with Jessie Gabe and Linsey Stewart. Matt and I have some TV ideas that we are pitching… I think that’s just the way life is now, you have to always be ready to pitch ideas.

Al K Hall: Exactly. So what do you say…you, me, a fifth of  Jack Black, a quart of maple syrup and 2 rolls of quarters? No? Don’t worry, if you don’t scratch me, i go away eventually. But can you blame me? You’re an actor / writer / improviser / voice-over artist / director / teacher and drop dead gorgeous young lady. Seriously, don’t you think that’s too much talent for any one person to possess? Maybe you could share it with those of us who are less fortunate. There are talentless children in Yeaman, you know.

Naomi: Yes, it’s too much, but I’m collecting talents. If I save 4 more box tops I get the talent of taxidermy…pretty excited about that one.

© David Leyes

Al K Hall: Oh, I don’t know. i’ve stuffed a lot of things in my day and the fun all depends on if charges are filed or not. In all the minutes of exhausting research i did while watching Machete did i blow over anything too quickly?

Naomi: You know that’s not me with the foo manchu mustache right?

Al K Hall: Sure, but that was you naked beneath the nun’s bad habit, right? While i try to remember, what message do you have for your many fans?

Naomi: Stick together. There’s not a lot of you, but united we stand and divided we fall.

Al K Hall: There are more than you realize, i bet. Have you checked out the action on your IMDB board? But don’t check it right now because it’s time for the Bar None Questionnaire. Don’t worry, close your eyes, hold on tight and it’ll be over before you know it. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink, Scar?

Naomi: Depending on the time of day. Early cocktail hour (before noon!): Caesar with horseradish, apres 5pm: lychee martini!

Al K Hall: With that all day drinking you got goin’ on, when was the last time you had a hangover?

Naomi: Oh god, I hate hangovers so much so it’s been a while. I hate that feeling of waking up and feeling so cruddy and thinking “WHO DID THIS TO ME” and then sadly realizing, I did this to me.

Al K Hall: Yeah, welcome to my world. Do you smoke? How many cigarettes a day?

Naomi: No smoking from me, unless it’s when I cook, then three a day.

Al K Hall: What’s your favorite swear word?

Naomi: I’m a big fan of “Fuck” unless it’s over used. There was a late night Second City improv set that we challenged each other to come up with the worst name to call someone. I thought “cuntbucket” was good…still do. Don’t use it a lot, mind you.

Al K Hall: “Cuntbucket”. That just became my new favorite word. You’re a genius. Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Naomi: I don’t know much about you…I like so much about you, Al K. Though I would like you better if your name was something like …mmmm “Paul”. It’s a good name – solid.

Al K Hall: Are you kidding me? Anything but “Paul”‘. “Paul”‘s a sucker and a schmuck. “Paul” will apologize for bumping into you. “Paul” will pay for your drinks and only realize a couple days later people just pretended to like him for the free booze. If you sleep with “Paul”, he’ll weep afterwards and follow you everywhere for a week. Trust me on this one, it’s much better to be Al K Hall.

[Outro on the Juiced-box and another request by Naomi: Colleen and Paul - A Home in the Top Boughs]

Naomi Wright, Naomi Snieckus and Colleen Hixenbaugh from Colleen and Paul

And that’s all she wrote, literally. Let me take a minute to point out i’ve never had the pleasure of being rescued by Naomi Sniekus and she probably doesn’t even own a barrel necklace stocked with mini bottles of Canadian whisky. This whole thing was done over the internet and, per usual, i changed some of my crap to make the interview flow and appear as though we’d met, but i didn’t change any of her answers.

All that’s left of me is to thank Naomi Snieckus for her endless patience while putting up with my shenani-gins and for making this interview so much of a pleasure. Her good mood and great answers are part of what makes tending bar here in the Bar None such a joy. i appreciate her opening up and sharing some of her secret parts that make her so special. Thank you again, Naomi.

© Skye Regan

David Leyes photography: www.davidleyes.com

Albert Lee Media: albertleemedia.com

[AlKHallism: Photos link to Gabby's Official Website, her Twitter page, her IMDB page, or her Fan Page.]

From the juiced-box and a favorite of Gabby’s: Rhianna (featuring Drake) – What’s My Name

Gabby West in SAW 3D

i’ve said it before and here i am saying it again, but my favorite part of SAW 3D were the savagely talented and violently beautiful actresses who showed what they were made of at one point or another in the film. You think that’s freaky, i got your freaky right here: imagine my sending an interview request to Gabby West, one of these stellar actresses, and not hearing back until 4 months later. Hell, good things do come to those who wait…

In other news, Gabby was a true sport putting up with all my ridiculousity during the interview process and was a real sweetheart and professional all in one which isn’t easy to do—it’s like trying to juggle and be sober at the same time. Or be sober and do anything at the same time. Which reminds me to remind you: remember this is my first Booze Talkin’ since going sober three months ago so if the interview sucks ice, it’s all my fault because Gabrielle was rockin’ great to work with and funny and intelligent as hell.

The Many Faces of Gabby West

A West wind blew me down south and when i woke up ankle deep in sobriety, i discovered gold Gabby West at my bedside, fist feeding me vitamins and doing things for my energy levels that filled my fluid bags faster than you could chug one of those airplane bottles of wine. “Unh,” i said, more from the sobriety than the brain strain of figuring out how VH1′s Scream Queen (2nd season) came to be my bedside Miss Manners. “Will you do an interview with me for the Bar None?” i grolfed, to which she gamely answered she would if i stopped asking her for mouth to mouth.

Gabby West has Talent in Spades

Go West

Al K Hall: Up there with life’s great mysteries like who killed Kennedy and what’s this taste in my mouth, is the Gabby West Conundrum. IMDB has you born in LA and your Wiki page says Bismarck, North Dakota. My question is this: why would someone famous enough to have a Wiki page agree to do an interview with me? Just kidding. Can you tell us where were you born for real?

Gabby West: I was born in L.A . I lived there till I was 7, but I moved around a lot as a kid. I’ve lived in Wyoming, North Dakota, New Mexico, Montana and of course California, where I’m at currently.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’d understand if you were embarrassed about being a North Dakotan…

Gabby: I graduated high school from Bismarck! I’m proud to have lived and had experiences in all those states. Whoever wrote different didn’t have all the information. Respectively.

Al K Hall: My bad. Just like Pamela Anderson with Tommy Lee, i’m sure North Dakota was proud to have you in it. While you were running around all these states, did you pick up any scars?

Gabby: Scars—hell yeah! I’ve got a scar on my left eyebrow from having it pierced. I used to hate it but now I feel it’s a unique memory. And one of my favs.

Al K Hall: Like your tats?

Gabby: Tattoos! I have 2. The one on my arm days “tiferet”. It’s Hebrew and my understanding is that it has many meanings, my favorite being “miracle”.

Check out inside her right arm

Al K Hall: Some of the other ones are also appropriate, like “beauty”. “Compassion” too, because you’re here helping me recover. “Spiritual” is another definition of “tiferet”. How accurate is that?

Gabby: I have another tattoo on my left wrist. It’s a cross and, in case of curiosity, I’m not religious, I’m spiritual. [AlKHallism: Her smile here was enough to convert me and did more for my recovery than any drug ever could.] The first one I got when I was 19, without really knowing what I was doing. The second I got almost 3 years ago, as a reminder of who I am.

Al K Hall: Nicknames can do that, too.

Gabby: I have a few. People close to me call me “Gabs” or “G”.Growing up and generally always being the new kid—there were some other ones, too!

Al K Hall: Staying with this idea of roots, i read that you’re part Sami from Norway. Who’s this Sami and why was he in Norway?

Gabby: Sami is a Norwegian tribe and, yes, I’m part of it on my mother’s side.

Al K Hall: What about the fun? What’s your idea of a killer day?

Gabby: For me, fun happens spontaneously, when I have no agenda. I like making up songs and singing them, particularly ones that don’t make sense but make you laugh. [And again with that smile that gets me drunker than booze.]

Al K Hall: How cute is that?! What about the rest of your day?

Gabby: The rest of my day? Taking photos, preferably a poloroid, picking flowers, mailing letters and lots of options for music everywhere I go! Especially on drives. I love going for long drives, it’s one of my all time favorite things.

[AlKHallism: To accommodate Gabby's love for tuneage, here's another of her favorite groups: Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man (Live at Shepherd's Bush Empire, London).]

Al K Hall: Where do you like to hang out when you’re not working?

Gabby: There are so many places I can be at in one day! They would consist of but not limited to: Vitamin stores, gobbling vitamins, on the phone to my sisters, reading my horoscope, snoozing, online shopping, vintage/thrift stores, Whole Foods, IN THE TUB!

Al K Hall: I’m sayin’. Which reminds me, what about a sponge bath? No? Tons of fun in the suds…

Gabby: And possibly some fun at Office Depot, or writing poetry or maybe just scrap booking.

Al K Hall: Scrap booking? Seriously?

Bored, Broke and Stuck

Gabby: Yep.

Al K Hall: Life can’t be all celebrity shit like partying and scrap booking, though. A girl’s gotta have some downtime. What’s your definition of a boring evening.

Gabby: Bored is being broke and stuck.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but have you ever had nights like that?

Gabby: I’ve had a lot of them!

Al K Hall: Next time that happens, i’ll rescue you, swear to god. It’s the least i can do. Don’t be afraid.

Al K Hall: Other than a night with me, what scares the bejeesus out of you?

Gabby: First, clowns and balloons. Two, I’m extremely sensitive and I can pick up other peoples energy. When I see homeless people or people experiencing a hard time, it scares me, mostly on the basis that I literally feel their pain. Third, being trapped in an elevator.

Al K Hall: Wow, i hope you’re not feeling too much of my pain right now. Anyway, it’s true that your presence is like presents for me. [Al K Hall: On three...one, two, three "Awww".] But just because i quit drinking doesn’t mean you did. What’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?

Gabby: I don’t usually drink, soz.

Al K Hall: Wuckers. i’m sure you have other vices. What’s your favorite?

Gabby: Sleeping in really late. That, by far, is my favorite.

Al K Hall: Yeah, tell me something i don’t know…

Gabby: I like cars. I’m a vitamin whore. I see angels.

Al K Hall: What a coincidence, i’m a whore and i’m looking at an Angel right now! Uhm, yeah, this is the sick bucket. But enough about you, what about winning the 2nd season of VH1′s Scream Queen reality show? What’s something you came away from that experience with?

Gabby in Scream Queen

Gabby: To take care of yourself first, experience can only help you. Also, acting for TV and film is 90 percent technical… Oh! and “Every artist is at first an amateur,” Robert Frost. And! “You always pass failure on your way to success”- Mickey Rooney.

Al K Hall: Which works because i’m the failure you’re passing on the way to the top! Part of the victory package was a role in Saw 3D, where you played Kara. Which means you got to hang with Chester Bennington, your co-star and the guy from Limp Bizkit.

Gabby: Chester Bennington is lovely and an amazing artist. I particularly like their new song.

[From God's mouth to my ears, here's Limp Bizkit covering "Behind Blue Eyes", which i dedicate to Gabrielle for obvious reasons.]

Al K Hall: Did they put you up in a nice hotel? Was there a wrap party?

Gabby: We shot in Toronto, Canada. Yes, I did have a nice hotel. Biggest thing I ever stayed in!

Al K Hall: You obviously don’t know my ex.

Gabby: …?… Um, it had 2 or 3 huge rooms. It was really nice.

Al K Hall: Was there a wrap party?

Gabby: We had a party after the screening. Pretty fun. Lots of goofing around and a fabulous photo booth!

Al K Hall: Did you see the movie in the theater?

Gabby: Yes  I did, we had a red carpet event. I saw the movie with close friends and John Homa! [AlKHallism: John Homa is an actor and Scream Queen judge.]

Al K Hall: What did you think of the movie and your performance?

Gabby: I liked my Saw movie. We saw some pretty cool developments in so far as technology and Detective Hoffman. Plus, my trap? Pretty fuqin cool, man. As for me, I thought I was good, thank you.

Al K Hall: No, thank you. Your next roll is in a feature film horror anthology called Chillerama. You play “Sara Lou” in the “I was a Teenage Werebear” segment. Is it scary? What will your fans like about the role.

Gabby: It’s Peggy Lou. Very fun and campy role and I’m singing!!!

Al K Hall: Wow, that is scary. Nah, just joshing. [i wink and she's like all light and forgiveness for my humor deficiencies,  hell it's not my fault---i'm sober for chrissakes.]

Gabby as Peggy Lou in “I was a Teenage Werebear”

Gabby: It’s gonna be fun!!! I’m gonna make you laugh and pee your pants.

Al K Hall: It’s amazing how you know exactly what i like. As for you, obviously, you like acting. What do you get out of acting?

Gabby: I can really only say one thing. When I do it, I am at home. And there is no place like home.

Al K Hall: Funny, i was going to say the same thing about your lap. Speaking of inappropriate, what would you say to a really, really drunk guy who stuttered up to you in a bar and confessed his undying eternal love for you?

Gabby: I would say, “Thank you and god bless you.” And I would smile because being loved feels great.

Al K Hall: Yeah, i wouldn’t know. Alright, alls we got left is the Bar None Questionnaire. Don’t worry, it’s as easy as falling off a log if you’re drunk and don’t hit your head and drown after. First question, what’s your favorite poison?

Gabby: Jack and Diet or maybe tequila.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Gabby: Hmmm. March 5.

Al K Hall: [Snorts a little coffee out his nose.] That’s precise. Do you smoke?

Gabby: Never, baby!

Al K Hall: i so love it when you call me “baby”. What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear a lot?

Gabby: Fuck and, yes, I say “fuck” a lot.

Al K Hall: Sounds like a good thing! Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Gabby: My favorite thing about you! That you take the time to write these wonderfully detailed questions… Thank you! You rock!

[That Gabrielle West says i rock reduces me top such a blubbering mess of gratitude that i'm unable to continue.]

[Outro and another of Gabby's fave bands: Kings of Leon - Closer]

There you have it, my first sober interview. What did you think and don’t be afraid to lie, i can take it. The lying, i mean, i can handle a lot better than i can the ugly truth.

i would, however, like to thank Gabby once more. She was a real trooper and it was all kinds of pleasure to work with her.

Also, the situation described above never took place, of course. i never had the great honor of being in the hospital with Gabby. We never, fortunately for her and my police record, met face to face and the whole interview was done via e-mail. As per my MO, i messed around with my questions to provide transition but not once did i touch one little hair on her answers. The responses are all her; as you could pro’lly tell from how awesome they were.

Thank you, as well, Buds and Barmaids, for your time and attention. There are no better patronizers anywhere in the world.

Haven’t got your ear fill of my Booze Talkin’ Exclusive Interviews? Click here.

Like sex with a Dominatrix, it was “bound to happen”.

My corporate cherry was ripe for the taking and i’d been playing the cherry field looking for a firm firm enough to give it up to.

i picked Chick Beer for my first ever corporate interview for several good reasons—nah, just joshing, there was only one reason and that’s they make beer for chicks.

i’d love to go on for pages and pages with this wit but, tragically, “Babe” from Chick Beer is tons funnier than i could ever dream of being, so pro’lly the best thing is for me to shut up and let her rock the funny.

From the juiced-box and a Chick Beer type of song: Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want To Have Fun

[Press 'Play' to play with the girls]

Al K Hall: Babe! Babe from Chick Beer! Welcome to The Bar None, m’lady. Pull up a stool, put your feet up and what can i get you to drink? Just kidding, why don’t you have yourself a Chick Beer. While i got you here, what exactly is a Chick Beer?

Babe from Chick Beer: Chick Beer is a craft-brewed light lager that doesn’t taste like a light lager.  It has just 3.5 carbs and 97 calories.  We brew it to be smoother, more flavorful, and less bitter than dude beers.

Al K Hall: Is it genetically modified to be more appealing to women?

Babe: No, but it’s clear that women are genetically modified to be more appealing than men.  Nobody disputes that.

Al K Hall: Chaz Bono might, though. Wow, you out-logic me so fast it stains my genes. Is Chick Beer brewed exclusively by women? Even better, topless women?

Babe: When we were at the brewery, we mostly saw honest, hard-working mid-Western beefy dudes from the Brewers Union. Thankfully, their tops remained intact.

Al K Hall: Ugh, ‘moobs’. Double “ugh”. Literally. While we’re on that body region, your website says, “The taste is soft, smooth and full-bodied.” That sounds hot. Does Chick Beer make women more attractive?

Babe: Yes, Chick Beer is hot.  And also cold.  Women are already attractive.  Chick Beer, when consumed in sufficient quantities, actually makes men appear more attractive, a far more impressive feat!

Al K Hall: And harder! But is Chick Beer made from chicks?

Babe:  We tried that, but the feathers were a real distraction.  But no.  Just hops, malt, yeast and pure Wisconsin water.

Al K Hall: Can a guy buy Chick Beer, or does he have to ask his girlfriend to buy it for him? What happens if a guy drinks Chick Beer?

Babe: A guy can absolutely buy Chick Beer.  A guy who buys and drinks Chick Beer is very secure in his manhood.  Very sexy.

Al K Hall: But doesn’t it make them squat to pee?

Babe: Ewwww.  We have no comment on the urination rituals of men.

Al K Hall: Here, have some nuts, Babe. Oops, my bad, you pro’lly don’t want any nuts. When was Chick Beer invented?

Babe: Chick Beer was invented in early 2011.  We were walking down the street carrying some hops, and we bumped into these three other chicks carrying malt, yeast and water.  It was an amazing coincidence.  The rest is history.

Al K Hall: But wait a second! Isn’t the concept of Chick Beer sexist?

Babe: Absolutely!  By selling our beer to chicks, we’re turning our backs on the 75% of beer drinkers who aren’t chicks. We are anti-non-chick. That makes us the most sexist brand out there!  Now dudes will have to drown their sorrows in the hundreds of brands out there that are marketed to them.

Al K Hall: Are there varieties of Chick Beer (like Chick Beer Lite)? What about Cheap Chick Beer for the Trailer Park? i think i may have dated Ice Chick Beer, is that possible?

Babe: We’ve got some ideas for next summer, but thankfully they are not the ones that you have described here.

Al K Hall: Where is Chick Beer brewed and distributed?

Babe: We brew Chick Beer in beautiful southern Wisconsin.  At this time, it is only distributed in Maryland, which is where we happen to live.  However, Chicks will soon start popping up all around the country, and also perhaps Norway.  No, really.

Al K Hall: If a chick is reading this, where can she go to find out if it’s distributed in her area?

Babe: We highly recommend chickbeer.com.  Those folks seem to have all of the facts straight.  Even more so than the blogging community.

Al K Hall: “L-o-l”, Babe. You wanna play that way? i can bring it. You say you’re not owned by a major brewery: Prove it.

Babe: Easy.  Our hall closet is filled with gigantic bags of pink foam peanuts, which we use to pack the sample six-packs that we send out.  Also, our neighborhood association does not allow Clydesdales.  We checked.

Al K Hall: Seriously, are the owners of Chick Beer a super group?

Babe: Seriously, the “owners” of Chick Beer are one chick in Maryland.  Her husband is an unpaid consultant, and we have one underpaid staff chick.  That is the company.

Al K Hall: But doesn’t it take a major manufacturer to launch a beer like Chick Beer?

Babe: Apparently, it does not.  It just takes a person with a great idea, a very thick hide and an outlandish amount of determination. Entrepreneurship isn’t for everybody, and trying to establish a brand for women in an industry as male-dominated as the beer business is virtually insane.

Al K Hall: You should do “totally insane” some time; it’s the stuff wet dreams are made of. So, what do i get if i “Like” your Facebook page?

Babe: You get exclusive membership in a club that is 95% women… Hot women who drink beer.

Al K Hall: That’s what i’m talking about! But, hot women love to shop, right? How come your web-store doesn’t have any stuff in it?

Babe: Because we’re too busy right now talking to distributors about Chick Beer!  We are anxious to get the store going, because we’ve had a lot of requests for it.  We will soon have koozies, stickers, bottle openers, and other great Chick Booty on there!  By the way, we are donating all proceeds from Chick Booty sales to charities that empower women.

Al K Hall: What is a “Koozie”? i’d love Chick Koozie. How much does Chick Koozie cost?

Babe: A koozie is a neoprene sleeve that keeps your beer cold and your hands dry.  Ours are both hot and hot pink.  They cost a couple of bucks.

Al K Hall:  i’m only into blogging for the swag. Can i get free Koozie?

Babe: Yes, but only because we hate to see a man have to pay for koozie.  That’s just sad.  We’ll send you a mercy koozie.

Al K Hall: Hell, beggars can’t be choosers. Which reminds me, Wayne Buchanan, a regular at The Bar None, brought Chick Beer to our attention. Do you know Wayne? What do you think of him? Does he owe you ten bucks, too?

Babe: We have no knowledge of this man, but if he brought us to your attention, we like him.  Yes, he does owe us ten bucks.

Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did while watching Desperate Housewives did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?

Babe: No, your DH time was well-spent.  What we have coming up are a good number of announcements of new places where you can buy Chick Beer.

Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?

Babe: If you want to help Chick Beer get to you sooner, don’t tell us.  We already agree with you!  Tell your retailer that you want to buy Chick Beer.  If enough people do that, the retailer tells their distributor, and the next thing you know, you’re a hot chick holding a cold Chick.

Al K Hall: Finally, everyone interviewed for The Booze Talkin’ needs to do The Bar None questionnaire and just because you’re my first professional doesn’t mean you get off the hook.

What’s your favorite alcoholic drink (after Chick Beer, of course)?

Babe: Thanks for the caveat. [AlKHallism: i don't know what she's talking about; i didn't give her any fish eggs.] Since we’ve been in the booze biz for years, we have been fortunate enough to have toured many breweries, and we’ve tasted hundreds of beers.  We’ve sipped ten-day old Burgundy from the vat.  We’ve tossed back tequila in Tequila.  We are beverage enthusiasts.

Al K Hall: What a coincidence! i’ve drunk a vat of Boone’s Farm and tossed up a lot of Mezcal. Same thing, right? Almost? When was the last time you had a hangover?

Babe: It’s ironic, but we’re now too busy for hangovers, or even for drinking.  Yes, we are lame.

Al K Hall: Do you smoke? If so, what brand? How many cigarettes a day?

Babe: No.  We figure that we need to avoid at least one vice.   We consider it a moral victory.

Al K Hall: What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Babe: We mostly enjoy the F-bomb.  If you’re going to go, go large.

Al K Hall: And what do you think of me, Al K Hall?

Babe: You are perhaps the greatest man ever to walk the Earth.  Or perhaps not.

Al K Hall: No, i’m pretty sure i am.

Babe: We’d like you even more if you had a Chick Beer in your hand, with a pink koozie.

Al K Hall: From your mouth to God’s Koozie, Babe from Chick Beer.

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Chelah's website and a few link to her Twitter Page.]

One of Chelah’s selections from the juiced-box in the Bar None: Broken Social Scene – Water In Hell

[Press 'Play' for, "The shuck and jive is over / The second time is over / It's too bad the monkey's on your shoulder." Get it? "The monkey's on your shoulder..."]

A few weeks back, my daughter and i saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and i wrote the review everyone is talking about so much my ears are constantly ringing. ‘Course that may just be the voices in my head calling but i’m gonna put them on hold long enough to tune you into some awesome Booze Talkin’. Because, right here in the Bar None, i have the honor of interviewing a real actress, who has even done some real acting.

Chelah Horsdal is the immensely talented actress i was able to have a sit down with, even though she wouldn’t technically sit down and can you blame her? Have you seen the stools in the Bar None? She played “Irena” in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the home care giver, and came off as totally believable because she gave so much care i started caring myself.

Look, here comes the proof of that.

i was hanging out in Vancouver or some other place pretty darn Canadian and it was in the zoo, which is how i knew it was Canada because that’s the only time i go to the zoo. Unless there’s a lot of snow and then i know it’s not Canada because i hate the snow and always leave a place where there is some. Where does Al K Hall go in the zoo? You know it, Barmaids and Beerhounds, straight to the monkey cage with all the other little kids because i like to watch them throw their crap. Plus, the monkeys are pretty funny, too.

There i was, watching the monkeys making a wet bar out of peanut shells and simian feces, when who sat down beside me but Chelah Horsdal and i’m not even kidding. Fortunately, she didn’t recognize me, the infamous AL K Hall, so when the monkeys started getting drunk on mash they’d made from palm fronds, i made my move.

Al K Hall: Mind if i sit here?

[As we'd been sitting beside each other since the mash had starting fermenting, Chelah was a little confused. She looked at me like i'd just escaped the cage, so i skipped the introductions. ]

Al K Hall: You live in Canada, right?

Chelah Horsdal: Yessir, I am a proud Canadian.

Al K Hall:What’s the most Canadian thing you do?

Chelah: I go to the doctor for free, so that’s pretty Canadian. Also play outside a lot: hiking, biking & snowboarding among others.

Al K Hall: But you spent a year in the Caribbean, too. Right? What was this “lost” year like? Tons of parties? Do you remember it like David Bowie does the 70′s?

Chelah: It wasn’t quite as glamorous as one might think. I worked in a restaurant on the beach and spent heaps of time diving and playing volleyball. I certainly kept late nights, but I left the hard living to other expats.

Al K Hall: i know, i was the kind of guy living the hard life for you. Still, why would someone move from the Caribbean back to Canada?

Chelah: It’s amazing how fast it can get old. If you have ambition, an island in the Caribbean is not the place to be.

Al K Hall: Hmm. i don’t have ambition, maybe i should head down there. Can i drop your name? Like, “i’m cool, Chelah sent me.” Wait, what’s the story behind your name?

Chelah: “Chelah” is Sanskrit. It means the learner/student of life. It’s all about hippie parents.

Al K Hall: As am i. [AlKHallism: ?] What’s your idea of fun?

Chelah: Hiking with my dog, dinner parties with my peeps, working…you can see I’m a real animal.

Al K Hall: Tell that to the monkeys. [One is so drunk it passes out and falls from the tree like a dead bird.] What’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?

Chelah: That you’ll never learn something new by getting drunk with me.

Al K Hall: Ooh, good answer. But what kind of vices do you have?

Chelah: I don’t believe in vices because that implies that you have to break the rules to be happy….and I don’t believe that to be the case. Do what brings you joy and don’t feel any guilt for it.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know, Learner of Life.

Chelah: My dog has been known to suck my thumb.

Al K Hall: You’re right. i did not know that. i do know, however, that you started off your acting / modeling career with ads and TV commercials. What was the most ridiculous product you ever had to sell?

Chelah: I did a commercial for some generic female sexual enhancement product years ago. I still have no idea what the company was or what the actual product was.

[i laugh so hard i startle the monkeys.]

[Here's another song Chelah selected from the juiced-box: Brooke Fraser - Here's To You]

Al K Hall: Is that how you got the role of  ”Irena”, the nurse, in Rise of the Planet of the Apes?

Chelah: I auditioned. Simple as that. The fact that it was a last minute one may have served me in the long run, as i was so frustrated with not getting the words right. Rupert [AlKHallism: Rupert Wyatt, the film's director] later said that’s what he liked, I wouldn’t give up.

Al K Hall: Where was the shoot?

Chelah: They shot the majority of the film in Vancouver…which is my home town, so it was an easy commute. I was only on set for a couple of days, but the scope of the production was massive.

Al K Hall: Was James Franco totally stoned the whole time? Is John Lithgow as distorted in person as he is on the screen?

Chelah: I adored both of them. James is totally professional and lovely to work with. John is a talent for the ages….so extraordinary, humble and talented.

Al K Hall: Be honest now, before you got the part, how many of the Planet of the Apes had you seen?

Chelah: I had seen the 1968 original a few times as a kid and the 2001 remake. I have yet to see any others…not even Rise… yet!!

Al K Hall: Trippy! Why not?

Chelah: I was scheduled to fly to LA for the premier but booked a huge gig in Toronto the day before. Threw my plans up in the air and ultimately, I’ve been working solidly since then…no time for going to movies. I almost watched it in the hotel this past weekend, but was too bagged from a 14 hour work day.

Al K Hall: Trust me, you’re going to love it. You do a wonderful job, as in everything else you’ve done. There is apparently a little known law in Canada that every TV show or commercial or film shot in the Great White North must have an appearance by Chelah Horsdal. How does that make you feel?

Chelah: I like to think it’s part of the union’s collective agreement…ahem. In all seriousness, this month is my 10 year anniversary of deciding to become an actor and I’ve been so incredibly lucky to work a fair amount for a number of years now.

Al K Hall: Your résumé is even longer than my pianist. Is there anything you’re especially proud of that we here in the Bar None should know about?

Chelah: Holy Toledo, trying to pick favourites is a challenge. Often times the highlights are one scene that stands out or working with particular artists. Working with Sir Ben Kingsley on Elegy was too much to believe. One of my first guest stars was the pilot for Criminal Minds, and that was a huge emotional breakthrough as an artist. The pilot I just shot in Toronto, Wish List, is hands down the best professional experience I’ve ever had.

Al K Hall: Impressive! You’re the first person ever to use “Holy Toledo” in a Booze Talkin’! Another honor to add to your list; like you’ve been nominated for a couple Leo’s [AlKHallism: 'Leos' are the British Columbian equivalents of the Golden Globes]. Would you thank me in the acceptance speech were you to win?

Chelah: Yes, yes Al, I would thank you.

Al K Hall: And some people wonder why i say, “Thank you for patronizing me.” Another person who patronizes me is Mrs Demeanor, who is the kind of a geek that would kill me if i didn’t ask about your participation in Battlestar Galactica. You were in three episodes…

Chelah: Your wife clearly has impeccable taste…one of the all-time greatest shows on television. I loved working on it and loved Didi Cassidy.

Al K Hall: How was the ambiance on the set?

Chelah: Many of the cast were like a big family & the crew was so supremely talented. I only wish they had brought me back in season 4 to be revealed as a Cylon.

Al K Hall: If that happened, though, you might not have bagged your supporting role in Everything and Everyone and a part in The Cabin In The Woods. What can you tell us about these films?

Chelah: Everything & Everyone is premiering at the Vancouver Film Festival this week. I’m super excited to see it. It’s an ensemble piece that explores relationships between friends, family & lovers….funny & tragic…the first feature written by Ian Tang. Hopefully we’ll have distribution news to share in the upcoming months.

Al K Hall: And Cabin in the Woods? It was written by Joss Whedon and everything.

Chelah: Cabin In The Woods… I have a teeny-weeny part about which I can share nothing—it’s all top secret. Although I understand it’s finally going to be released after sitting on a shelf for sometime.

Al K Hall: Cool! What’s also very cool is that you’re modest. Like no one knows you’re a talented artist who contributes work to charities for auction.

Chelah: The fact that anyone has paid actual cash-money for my art or photos just boggles my mind. But it’s helped me to contribute, for which I’m super grateful.

Al K Hall: What charities do you support? Where can my readers go to help out if they’re drunk and feeling generous? Can we see an example of your photography or artwork?

Chelah: I’m a supporter of Caleb’s Hope, an organization started by my friend and colleague, Holly Dignard. Holly has spent agreat deal of time on the ground working with and empowering women who have fallen victim to great horrors in Northern Uganda. I also make an effort to both fundraise and donate to Doctors Without Borders and The Canadian Red Cross during times of crisis, as both are organizations with the infrastructure to affect tremendous change and offer aid efficiently. And most recently, I aligned myself with Make-A-Wish Foundation in honour of the show we shot this summer, Wish List. Seemed like a natural marriage.

Al K Hall: And what about a sample of that artwork?

Chelah:

[The last of Chelah's selections from the juiced-box and one of my personal favorites: Ray Lamontagne - Jolene]

Al K Hall: What do you have for your many fans?

Chelah: Even the phrase ‘my fans’ sounds insane to me, as I really just head out and try to do my job. It rarely even occurs to me that someone may see or notice me in the final product.

Al K Hall: i sure did.

Chelah:I suppose if I were to pass along one sentiment it would be this: find your bliss in whatever it is you do. I’ve found mine, and that’s why this interview is even taking place. If you can find a place to do what you love, even if it’s only for 10 minutes a day, I wish for you that you take it. And be kind. It’s free.

Al K Hall: As is the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like pulling off a band-aid. The faster you do it, the less you cry. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Chelah: Wine…a chunky red or full, lush white.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Chelah: Last weekend.

Al K Hall: Do you smoke?

Chelah: Smoking is for suckers.

Al K Hall: What’s your favorite swear word?

Chelah: Shut the front door!

Al K Hall: Holy Toledo! Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Chelah: Wait…Al? I thought I was talking to [censored]!? What’s in hells bells?!

You’re gonna hafta stop reading now, because here comes the bad news. i never really met Chelah Horsdal in a Vancouver Zoo or any other zoo or any other real place for that matter. We did the whole interview through email. i fiddled with my end of things to make it look like we’d met face to face, but all of her answers remain unsullied.

i’d like to thank Chelah here and now for taking time out of her whack schedule to humor me and my silly questions. She is truly an inspiring woman, artist and actress, and i hope i didn’t burn any bridges with my ridiculousness because her star is going to keep rising higher and higher.

[AlKHall-ism: The majority of Chelah's photos were taken by the very talented Melissa Gidney. Check her out if you want her to make you famous, too.]

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

Jake La Botz: True Bluesman

From the juiced-box: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill (from the album I’m A Crow)

[Press 'Play' to hear how it all started]

First off, i gotta apologize to Jake for the title of this interview. In his defense, i’m sure that (humble sweet genius that he is), “My Interview with God” is likely to strike him as a little over the top. In my defense, “over the top” is my zone.

In my Booze Revooze of On The Road i told the story of how this interview came about, which is i heard a killer song during the film’s end credits and frantically scribbled down the lyrics (“It’s hard, hard, hard to love what you kill”) and ran home find out the conjurer of this dark magic. It wasn’t easy and i was amazed 1) that Jake La Botz isn’t more popular than bacon Jesus and 2) i’d never heard of him because this is exactly the kind of music that echoes in my soul when i’m better than i know how to be.

Jake La Botz in On The Road

i found his Facebook page and, go fuckin’ figure, found out that he was coming to Yeaman in 2 days. i hit him up for an interview and he said sure so we had a sit down for about 20 minutes at a rickety table in this hole in the wall rebaptized Omar’s Honky Tonk before he went on. This, then, is my first ever real face-to-face interview for the Bar None, so, yes, if i fuck it up, that’ll be the excuse i go with.

Jake shows up wearing a plaid shirt and maybe boots, his hair greased down like a 50′s high school student and a chipped tooth so he looks like Howdy Doody with a swagger full of wood. i introduce myself and tell him about you guys and the Bar None and let him know i’m sober in AA.

Jake La Botz by Al K Hall

Behind his easy grin lies a guitar wire smile made of acoustic mettle and beneath his relaxed nature resides a resolve that holds you like an anchor. He is the art, the pain and the beauty of any tattoo that evokes a deeper truth. He is a raven who’s survived the storm and flown out the other side with a sacred clarity so scarred it’s poetic.

He lets me use the recorder on my smart phone and i get down to it.

Al K Hall: i did some research and found out you were born in Chicago…

Jake La Botz: I was born in San Diego but I moved to Chicago when I was three.

Al K Hall: [i ramble on incessantly about where i lived as a child like a teenage girl who has lost control of her mouth and now the coffee i drank nonstop all day is beginning to sound like a bad idea. Eventually, i wrangle my tongue, taming it enough to whip out another question.] So, where in Chicago did you live?

Jake: The north side of the city. It’s near Wrigley Field, as a landmark for you.

Al K Hall: [i recommence babbling about when i lived near Chicago, and then i start talking about, swear to god, the fucking weather and Jake is now wondering if i'm maybe just interviewing myself.] Blah blah blahblah blah blahblah blah blahblahblah Blah!

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

Al K Hall: How long were you in Chicago?

Jake: Uh…’til I was old enough to steal a car.

Al K Hall: Yeah, i heard something about that. What was that about?

Jake: Well, you know, I dropped out of high school and I ran away from home at 14 and 15 years old. The time I split when I was 15, we took a car that wasn’t ours–me and a buddy of mine–went out to Colorado, we were trying to get to LA or California someplace. And then we ditched the car, because the car was hot, slept under a bridge with two guys named Danny and Cody for a while in a hobo camp, a couple of characters.

[There's a beat in his voice betraying songs beneath the surface of his stories like blood tattoos clawing their way out.]

Al K Hall: So how’d you get into blues, then?

Jake: I think if you grow up in Chicago it’s almost inevitable. I don’t know why, but the first time I heard one guy playing guitar, and playing the real thing, I was just totally hooked. I heard a record, some guy playing guitar by himself, and I think it might have been David “Honeyboy” Edwards, and he became kind of my friend and mentor.

Al K Hall: [At this point of the show Celeste E Hall, my wife, joins us and i make the introductions.] Right, I saw that you played with him a little bit.

Jake: Yeah, we hung out together and became good friends over the years, played shows together…

Jake La Botz and David Honeyboy Edwards by Bob Sarber (used with permission)

Al K Hall: And how old were you when you picked up the guitar for the first time?

Jake: I suppose I was 16, 17, kinda late.

Al K Hall: You played a little bit in Chicago, like street musician kind of stuff, buskering [what, it's almost a word] …

Jake: Yeah, that’s how I started, in the subway, playing in the streets then traveling around, playing on the streets in the South: Helena, Arkansas; Clarksdale, Mississippi, places like that.

Al K Hall: And then, was your big break hooking up with Steve? [Steve Buscemi, the actor, is a friend and fan of Jake's.] Like he saw you and said, “I gotta have this guy in my movie”?

Jake: It was kinda like that.

Al K Hall: Had you recorded an album before that?

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

Jake: No… [There's that one heartbeat he holds like a breath where he decides how far he's going to let go]. I was a junkie living in LA, living in an SRO hotel, living above a punk rock bar that gave me a free room in the hotel for playing once a week in a place called Al’s Bar, downtown LA. I was strung out and I was, you know, hustling and playing gigs, trying to make enough money to stay loaded. But LA’s a funny place ’cause it’s like you’re in proximity to this big show biz thing, everybody’s rubbing elbows with everybody and people like to be around the grittiness, so I found myself meeting these different kinds of people in the show biz world.

With Steve–we had mutual friends. Steve’s a real music lover, he’s a guy who really knows music–particularly country music, really old country music–and he lives in New York but he was doing a movie called Escape from LA and they were premiering and I crashed the premiere. I met Steve in the line for the john and we hit it off. He came out to a couple gigs…he came out to this Armenian coke bar that was in the basement of a Super 8 Motel in East Hollywood. It was Western and Sunset Boulevard, I think, and called The White Horse.

Al K Hall: Of course, it was.

Jake: Yeah, it was so funny. You couldn’t get out of there without the Armenian selling you something. For example, he had a TV and he wanted to sell it to me, and I was like “Man, I don’t even have an apartment” and he said [in a very good Armenian coke dealer accent] “Ah, you need apartment, I get you apartment,” so, you know, he’s gonna find you an apartment just so he can sell you a TV.

So I met Steve. He came out to The White Horse, and he came out, I think, to some of my Al’s Bar gigs. He was tryin’ to get this movie off the ground called Animal Factory, a prison movie based on a book by a great prison novelist named Eddie Bunker. He started bringing Eddie Bunker around and some of his colleagues or, you know, ex cons that were in the Hollywood scene, Danny Trejo and guys like that.

Jake La Botz (far left) and Danny Trejo

He started coming out to the gigs and Steve said, “I wanna write you a part in this prison movie, you’d be really good in this thing,” and then Eddie Bunker said [in a perfect Eddie Bunker voice, i bet] “He looks just like my cell mate in 1958 in S’Quentin,” and that was it, you know, he wrote it in there.

So yeah, that was my first break in film. It wasn’t like the ball really got rollin’, it wasn’t like the phone started ringin’. I mean, that movie was not, at all…it did not make a big splash in the US, not right away anyway. It became kind of a cult sensation after a while, over time. You know, it opened in two theaters in America and then hit DVD or somethin’. But, over time actually, I had people e-mailing me about that movie and would I come play this place or that place so it started to help out with the music gigs. And so, you know, I’ve sung on camera in movies a few times.

Al K Hall: Yeah, you were in that Stallone film, Rambo [aka, Rambo 4]. You had that same kind of thing now with On The Road, a bit part and then, at the end credits they had, “It’s Hard to Love What You Kill”. So do you consider yourself a singer who acts or an actor who sings?

[Press 'Play] for”Tiny”, the song he sang in Rambo.]

Jake: I…don’t know, man. I’m just a guy who’s been lucky enough to get some work doin’ creative stuff. My first love was acting, then I discovered music because I didn’t like actors. I’ve discovered I do like actors OK now, but when you meet a bunch of thirteen-year-old kids that wanna be famous and they’re all tryin’ to outwit each other all the time, it’s a little obnoxious. I went to a Fine Arts high school but dropped out after a year.

[We're interrupted for a moment while the record producer who's organized the gig offers to help set up a table to sell "merch". i like this word. Merch.]

Al K Hall: So what was Stallone like? He’s a fan?

Jake: Yeah, Stallone hired me as an actor…I walked in and auditioned for this part he’d been trying to cast for a while. There was supposed to be a black dude and that didn’t work out so they were like, “Let’s try something totally different.” So I went up there and did this scene and they said, “Wait just a minute,” and they brought Stallone in and they showed him the tape and he asked me [in a perfect Stallone impression], “Hey, can you put on twenty pounds and carry a two hundred pound guy through the jungle? All right, here’s a script.” Literally, he hands me the movie script and walks out of the room and I’m like, “What just happened?” Then I was on a plane to Thailand a month later.

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

He figured out in Thailand I was a musician. I gave him…this is a kind of sneaky thing, but if you’ve been on a movie set you know that everybody has to go through hair and makeup and so you give them your CD if you want people to hear it. He had his own makeup person so I slipped it to that guy–that guy was also a friend of mine–but I gave a CD to the guy, he played it, Stallone says, “Who the fuck is that?” He says, “That’s your Reese,” so Stallone comes out and says, “Hey, I want you to sing a fuckin’ song in the next scene.” I was totally blown away.

Al K Hall: It was one or two songs off Graveyard Jones? [Here's the YouTube video of Jake's part in Rambo.]

Jake: Yeah, right. “Tiny” and…what’s the other one…”The Wishing Well”.

Al K Hall: Now, in On the Road, i imagine Sylvester Stallone is not the same as Kristen Stewart.

Jake: No! That’s…true.

Al K Hall: How was that? You were talking about these young teens that wanna get big and–

Jake: No, she was interesting. She’s really not like that type at all.

Al K Hall: She’s got a bad rap, though, i think. [Oh fuck you, if you were talking to Jake La Botz you would say any old shit too, so just shut up.]

Kristen Stewart in ‘On The Road’

Jake: Well, she’s really, really shy.

Al K Hall: Is she?

Jake: I mean, I think she would just kind of like to be alone with her pals. Like not be around a lot of people all the time, that’s all. She was super cool.

Al K Hall: How was the shoot? How long was it? Your part, i mean.

Jake: I was only there for a few days. They picked me up in New Orleans and dropped me off in Phoenix.

Al K Hall:  So that was like filming, literally on the road, then?

Jake: Well, no, we filmed some stuff in New Orleans that was supposed to be Bakersfield, and then we filmed some stuff in Arizona that was supposed to be Arizona.

Celeste E Hall: Where was the Denver part? I was trying to figure out where they were filming in Denver.

Jake: That was probably in Canada.

Celeste E Hall: That’s what I was thinking.

Al K Hall: Denver in the 1960′s looked like Canada today.

Jake: Denver’s an interesting place.

Celeste E Hall: It is, have you played there?

Jake: Yeah…but my main memories are stealing a car and hanging out with this chick who used to book punk rock shows named “Razor”.

Celeste E Hall: OK.

Jake:Her real name is Jill but she was like, I don’t know–I met a bunch of the local people, you know, punk rock people, back in 1983. Before your time…

Celeste E Hall: No, actually it was very much time!

Al K Hall: [losing control of the interview...must shout out an interjection] Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter! What’s up with that?

Jake: Yeah, I got a little part in that.

Al K Hall: Sworn to secrecy, signed in blood, that you can’t talk about it?

Jake: I can talk about it, I think. I mean, you know, there’s not much to tell. I’m a Private in the Union Army, there’s vampires that help the other army. There’s a book that’s been out for several years, so the story’s known. I haven’t read the whole book, so I don’t know much about my character being in the book or not being in the book.

Al K Hall: How long is it? Major role? Minor role?

Jake: It’s a minor role. I had about 8 or 9 days in the movie. You know, it’s a reoccurring guy. He’s fighting in a battle here, he’s fighting in a battle there. Me and this General guy, you see us together.

Al K Hall: For the music… Like i said, i was listening to Spotify and i found like four of your albums there and then there’s some other ones i haven’t heard of. I’m A Crow is your latest one. Why, “I’m A Crow”? What’s the title from?

Jake: Well, I suppose I have an infinity for those birds. They’re…they’re more than birds, throughout different cultures, traditions, and throughout time, they’re considered to be magical and shape shifting and they are protectors. They’re very, very interesting.

Jake La Botz – I’m A Crow (from the album I’m A Crow)

But I had a friend who was trying to write a musical about animals who run a circus, and I thought I’d write her some songs. So I wrote this song. You picture everyone’s gone and in the big top, suddenly there’s a spotlight on this crow in a top hat who’s gonna tell his story to a big top full of ghosts. So it looks like it’s empty but by the end it fills up with spirits. But then she didn’t finish writing her play so I just kept my songs.

Al K Hall: It’s a little more produced than Sing This To Yourself. Conscious decision, are you making a change in your style?

Jake: Well, it’s a little less produced the Graveyard Jones, so it’s not really about that. It’s just however much money I can scrape together to make an album. When I did Sing This To Yourself, I had a thousand bucks, so that’s what the budget can afford for a solo album. And then when I had 8 or 9 thousand bucks, I hired some musicians.

Al K Hall: So, i got a list of this, kind of standard list of questions that i ask at the end of every interview, it’s called the “Bar None Questionnaire”. So the first drink the first question is, What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Jake: Well, I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in 13 years. So, let me try to recall, I think it was Richards Wild Irish Rose wine.

Al K Hall: So the last time you had a hangover was…13 years ago?

Jake: I still get the emotional kind, sometimes.

Al K Hall: Do you smoke?

Jake: I haven’t had a cigarette in about the same amount of time.

Al K Hall: Your favorite swear word.

Jake: [Long silence.] Wiener! Nah, I’m kidding. Don’ put that.

Al K Hall: Nah, that’ll work.

Jake: Just trying to think of the lightest thing.

Al K Hall: And finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Jake: My favorite thing about you? That you had an accent at the beginning of the interview now you’re back talking like an American.

Al K Hall: i’m freaky that way, yeah. i forgot to mention, that Tattoo Tour, that sounded fantastic! 2006 American Tattoo Tour, and you went around–i mean, i don’t want to answer the question–but you went around the country…

Jake La Botz in Amsterdam Tattoo Museum Credit Bob den Breeijen (used with permission)

Jake: Yeah, I played tattoo shops every summer for like 5 years: 2006, 2007, 8, 9, 10.

Al K Hall: You’ve got some nice work.

Jake: Some of it. Some of it not so much. [Laughs.]

Jake La Botz Credit Willem Wouterse (used with permission)

Al K Hall: All right, Jake, ‘preciate you taking the time.

Jake: Yeah, man. Thanks for coming out.

Al K Hall: It was nice meeting you.

Jake: Nice to meet you to. You gonna stick around?

Al K Hall: i am. i’m gonna try to get some of your merch. [Ooh, i was able to use it in a sentence.] And i may ask you to sign an autograph.

Jake La Botz Autographed copy of “I’m A Crow”

Afterwards

Would you like a copy of that interview in song form? Jake’s autobiographical “Hungry Again (Put Me In A Hole)” (off Sing This To Yourself ) covers a lot of the same territory i did up there, except his voice sounds better than mine.

Jake La Botz – Hungry Again (Put Me In A Hole)

Usually, this is the part where i confess that none of what i wrote up there really happened and that the whole thing was done by email. Not this time. Like i said up top, i actually sat down face to face with Jake and recorded this so what you see is what i got.

i also get to thank my lovely wife, Celeste E Hall, for letting me use some of her pictures, as well as Bob den Breeijen, Willem Wouterse and Bob Sarber who let me use the pictures that i snagged off Facebook.

Of course, for my biggest debt of gratitude i owe Jake La Botz a big thanks for taking the time out of his schedule to sit down and put up with my bullshit. i still can’t believe how lucky i was to fall in love with these songs and then, not only have the chance to hear him live, but to actually hang out a minute with him.

Jake La Botz and Al K Hall

For those of you who might happen to wonder what i look like for reals, i promise to post the original version of the above if this interview gets to 500 hits.

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Uncle Lucius

Uncle Lucius Plays Your Fucking Heart Out

From the juiced-box: Uncle Lucius -  Pocket Full of Misery (from their latest album, And You Are Me)

[Press 'Play' to fill your pockets...]

It was one of those moments when you’re sitting there, being yourself [note: not a masturbation reference], and all of a sudden a song comes on that pulls you up by your heartstrings and lifts you out of the rut. i first heard Uncle Lucius during an episode of the now defunked Castle, and when “A Million Ways” played i immediately knew my life had meaning again because the song that rose from the crappy TV speakers saved my soul music.

Who, you may well ask, is Uncle Lucius? Well, let me tell you. Uncle Lucius is that favorite uncle who never gets older and you want to be just like him when you don’t grow up. He wears borrowed clothes and his hair is just a tad too long and always tousled and he sneaks you black licorice and sips of the beer from the can hanging from the hand that holds the smoldering cigar. He’s got 3-days growth and speaks of things sweeter than hard lemonade in warm brandy tones with a whiskey rasp and a voice that comes out like the growl of a hungry bear’s stomach. Uncle Lucius is at home wherever he is and makes you feel welcome there whenever he rests his weary eyes on you.

Uncle Lucius

i was wallowing in the gutter of my life and could not see the night through the darkness in my eyes when the ghost of a street preacher in a scarred leather coat and boots he’d bartered down at the crossroads swaggered over me. With a massive hand, he reached down into me, pulled the demons from me, and then beat them black and blues with a stolen Bible until they ran howling like wolves right at the moon. Shivering, my demons exercised, i pulled myself up and began to thank him when i smelled the resurrection on him and realized he wasn’t a ghost at all but my Uncle Lucius. So, after he caught my breath, i asked him if i could ask him a few questions. He led me to an abandoned cemetery where we sat on the tomb of the Unknown Poet and i collected his thoughts.

Al K Hall: Before we get underway, let me just check the roster… Kevin Galloway: lead vocals and rhythm guitar, Hal Vorpahl: bass, Mike Carpenter: lead guitar and vocals, and Josh Greco: drums and percussion. Did i miss anyone?

Uncle Lucius: You’re missing Jon “J-Gro the Midnight Buffalo” Grossman, our keys player/ guitar and vox.

Al K Hall: Sorry ’bout that, J-Gro, bro’. [i pull a bottle of absinthe from behind a tombstone and pour him a glass in contrition.] Now that we’re all here, can you tell us the story behind your name? Why ‘Uncle Lucius’?

Uncle Lucius: You’d have to ask our parents. They named us.

Uncle Lucius: Hal Vorphal, Kevin Galloway, Jon Grossman, Josh Greco, Mike Carpenter

Al K Hall: And you were young at the time. So, y’all (can i call you “y’all”?)—[AlKHall-ism: i can]—are from Austin, Texas. How does a Southern Gospel Outlaw Rhythm and Blues Renegade Country Rock group form in Austin? Did you go to school together? Do you live on the same street?

Uncle Lucius: We are all from different parts of Texas, sans Jonny Keys, who is from Lexington, KY. We all met in Austin and have been making music together in one form or another for about seven years now.

Al K Hall: What do you do for fun in Austin in your down time? Is it just live shows and diners or do you hit miniature golf courses as well?

Uncle Lucius: There is a possibility we have been to been to a bar, but not much time for that out on the range. Lots of horses to wash and turkeys to jurk.

Al K Hall: Wow, you sure wouldn’t want to mix those two jobs up. When you’re not up to your usual mischief, where would i be most likely to find you?

Uncle Lucius: Jail.

Al K Hall: What’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?

Uncle Lucius: Ever seen El Topo…?

Al K Hall: Yeah right, tell me something i don’t know.

Uncle Lucius: You were born in Alaska, and your blood pressure is a little high…and you are ¼ leprechaun.

Al K Hall: The leprechaun thing is on my Wiki page, but high blood pressure? Are you sure? Speaking of blood, your latest album, And You Are Me, sounds like it has a lot of contributions from everyone in the band. How do you guys write songs? Is it piecemeal or organic?

Uncle Lucius: We kinda used all approaches on this album. Some songs were brought in by individuals, some were written from scratch all together, some were bits and pieces, all were labored over intensely by the whole band. We spent a lot of time together for this one.

Al K Hall: How’d you come up with the title of the album?

Uncle Lucius: It is a continuation of the phrase “I am you…” which is the last song on the album. The cycle the circle.

Al K Hall: Oh yeah, i get that. What’s the story behind your very first album, Something They Ain’t?

Uncle Lucius: We recorded that one in chunks whenever we could afford it, probably 6-9 months over all. It was a fun process with no pressure, just trying to get some music out there. We did most of the basic tracks all together in a room, then you put the icing on top. It was good times. It’s out of print right now, but you can still pick it up on itunes.

Al K Hall: After that comes the classic Pick Your Head Up. i got turned onto Uncle Lucius because i heard “Million Ways” in the TV show Castle…how did that come about?

Uncle Lucius: The music director for that show had seen us in Chicago, I believe, gotten an album, and later came tracking us down when it was time to line up. Really a cool thing for us, and got us in front of some ears that we weren’t reaching.

Uncle Lucius Discography

Al K Hall: What exactly did you lace the song “Liquor Store” with to make it the best song ever of all time?

Uncle Lucius: PCP, chunks of Hemingway’s beard, Pernod, deer antler, secrets.

[From the juiced-box: Uncle Lucius - Liquor Store. Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you will hear today.]

Click on the Poster for Uncle Lucius’s Tour Dates

Al K Hall: Looking at your Facebook page, it seems you guys are constantly touring. Is there a trick to making the same songs sound fresh every night?

Uncle Lucius: PLAY YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT!!!!!!!!  – Bill Hicks

[AlKHall-ism: i've included the video this comment is in reference to at the bottom of this post.]

Al K Hall: How do you feel about touring? Necessary evil or do you record songs only so you can perform them live?

Uncle Lucius: Haha…it goes back and forth. Playing live, though, is something you cant get anywhere else.

Al K Hall: Like a cemetery. Or Yeaman! You criss-cross the US but haven’t toured Yeaman yet! When will you come to the Bar None so we can hang?

Uncle Lucius: We are trying to get over there as soon as possible, man, know anybody?

Al K Hall: There’s always me, but, yeah, i’m not on speaking terms at the moment. If you do come here, though, we’ll have to party it up. Like what’s your craziest, Hammer of the Gods, “we gotta put this in the movie” road story about Uncle Lucius?

Uncle Lucius: Ever seen El Topo…?

Scene from “El Topo”

Al K Hall: Not yet, but i have seen you guys do “Warpigs”, if that counts. In fact, i’mma put the video of that at the bottom of this post. Anything you’d like to say to introduce it?

Uncle Lucius: A humble attempt at pleasing the gods.

Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did while watching Game of Thrones did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you’d like us to know about?

Uncle Lucius: Would like to use this opportunity to say LISTEN TO BILL HICKS!!!!

Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?

Uncle Lucius: Thank you!!! You are the only reason we are here.

Al K Hall: Well, that and cheap booze and free women—or is that the other way around… Which reminds me, it’s time for the dreaded Bar None Questionnaire. Think of it as a shit storm: you can’t avoid it so you might as well just power through. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Uncle Lucius: Many are enjoyed, Makers Mark seems to make the most collective appearances.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Uncle Lucius: Does now count?

Al K Hall: Only if you throw up on my shoes. Do you smoke?

Uncle Lucius: I’m up to three lighters a day.

Al K Hall: What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Uncle Lucius: Watch your fucking mouth, Frenchie.

Al K Hall: Frenchie? There’s something i didn’t know. That said, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Uncle Lucius: I love the work you did with John Madden and the NFL… wait…. Al Who??  Al K Hall???? I thought this interview was with Al Michaels….! Man, fuck this, I’m outta here.

Uncle Lucius

[Press play for Uncle Lucius - Keep the Wolves Away from And You Are Me]

Afterwards

There you go, that’s all he wrote. Sorry to state the obvious but of course i did not meet Uncle Lucius in a cemetery or Austin (yes, there is a difference) because i haven’t been to Texas since i was pulled screaming from my mother’s womb all those ages ago. The whole interview was done in a matter of days over e-mail (a special shout out to Bill Meis at Entertainment One Nashville for his liaising) and, while i changed shit around to make it more exciting, Uncle Lucius’s answers are reprinted exactly as they were sent.

A huge thanks to the band who took time out of their busy, post record launch madness to humor a recovering alcoholic like yours truly. i honestly am a huge fan of Uncle Lucius and one of the perks of tending bar here at the Bar None is to get the chance to shoot the shit with quality people like these guys.

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

A humble attempt at pleasing the gods.

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Nancy Stelle's IMDB page.]

As Nancy is a fan and i want her to feel at home in the Bar None, here’s some xx to set the scene: The xx – Angels

[Press 'Play' for an aptly named song considering the subject of this interview]

That i loved Argo every which way i could is no secret, but that i found the actresses in it as talented as they are beautiful…isn’t a secret either. What will surprise you, on the other hand, is that some of them agreed to do in-depth interviews (i provided the “in”, they brought the “depth”) with your humble and tender bartender, Al K Hall. Trust me, no one was more shocked than me, other than you.

The first to give me a thumb’s up is Nancy Stelle, which makes total sense when you consider she’s a top model with a college degree who can act better than most people can spell their own names, and by “total” sense i mean “none at all”. That a woman who has a degree in biochemistry could smart off with me is illogical. That a woman who has acted with Ben Affleck would consider even acting surprised with me is dramatic. But that she who was once in Maxim Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful, People Magazine‘s Most Beautiful list and an ESPN swimsuit calendar model would adorn the walls of our hole in the wall is so hot that even the devil brought a fan.

Read on and believe.

Nancy Stelle and i met at an awards show. Actually, we sat next to each other. Actually, we weren’t sitting next to each other at first but when i saw Nancy Stelle was in the audience, i stole the seat next to her. No big deal, the spot was reserved for the Pope and this was such an incredible waste of chair that all i had to do was start lighting matches just behind his holiness until the sulfur stench freaked him out and he moved away to sit with Stan Musial or some other Cardinal.

Surrounded by 10,000 people and alone at last, i leaned over, hoping my Old Spice wasn’t that old and praying my Axe cologne could cut it. Fortunately for all involved, i layer my odors like clothes in winter and it takes me a while to sweat through all the coats. Also, i was blocking the aisle to form a bottle neck of tuxedoed waiters bearing champagne and that helped. i grabbed one of the glasses and slipped it into Nancy’s pepper spray hand.

Al K Hall: Nancy Stelle? Hi there, Al K Hall. If you’ll answer a few questions before the show starts, i promise i’ll go peacefully when you call security.

[AlKHallism: i took her silence, and the fact she didn't mace me, as a 'yes'.]

Al K Hall: So Nancy, can i call you maybe?

Nancy Stelle: My best friend and mom call me “Nunia” (Polish thing), and my dad calls me “Penguin” in Polish.

Al K Hall: Actually, Pingwiny, “maybe” has a nicer ring to it, but if we’re talking about Poland… You’ve got a distinctly European air about you, or is that just my cologne.

Nancy: I was originally born in Austria. My family is Polish and we all came to the USA when I was about a year old.

Al K Hall: What does a little girl do for fun in the Windy City?

Nancy: In Chicago, I had a very strong interest growing up in science.

Al K Hall: Me too! If you mean you played doctor a lot. In your case, though, it ended with a degree in biochemistry and with me it finished in another restraining order. But enough about my wallpaper, how did you make the switch from the chemistry of biology to the biology of chemistry. [AlKHallism: You may have to wait a while for that one to sink in.]

Nancy: I always modeled on the side throughout college, but never considered it a profession until I moved to Los Angeles.

Al K Hall: Yeah, me too. Except for the modeling, moving to Los Angeles and having a profession. But college…yeah, i lived near one once. Speaking of youth and modeling, though, you began at 16. How did that work?

Nancy: I started with Elite by simply going to an open call. There are a lot of print/catalog jobs in Chicago.

Al K Hall: Isn’t the life super dangerous for an ingénue, though? Like weren’t you afraid of Kate Moss force sniffing you coke or something?

Nancy: I had a wonderful agent named Eva Jarolim who really helped me and became not only my agent but like a mother to me, too. I always made sure school came first, but managed to juggle both.

Al K Hall: Now you’re making the move from modeling into acting. How’s that going?

Nancy: The transition is tough because casting directors typecast you. If they hear you were a model, some might not take you serious because they don’t think you have acting chops. That’s what classes are for.

Al K Hall: But you’re too cool for school, Nancy.

Nancy: Any actor should always be in class, whether they were a model or mechanic before deciding to be an actor. Practice makes perfect!

Al K Hall: Which is also my sex motto. [AlKHallism: Judging from her expression, i don't think Nancy knows about sex mottoes.] Don’t worry, i’m sure you’ve said it more recently for your acting than i have for mine. Have the classes paid off?

Nancy: Recently, I did a guest star on TNT’s Rizolli & Isles. I got to play a Serbian and all my lines were in Serbian. Let me tell you, it was tough, but I did it! Angie Harmon is amazing and beautiful.

[Speaking of amazing and beautiful, Nancy likes Radiohead and Carrie Manolakos's cover of "Creep" is both.]

Al K Hall: Well, there’s beautiful and then there’s Nancy Stelle beautiful. I can see you playing Serbian, though.

Nancy: With my look (people tell me I look European), I also tend to get typecast for “Euro” roles which is fun because I get to do all these accents and speak other languages, but sometimes I’d like to be cast as a cop from Chicago or something!!!

Nancy Stelle in Argo

Al K Hall: Or a Swissair Flight Attendant, like in Argo.

Nancy: Argo was an amazing experience.

Al K Hall: Did Ben sneak drinks all the time?

Nancy: Ben Affleck is a very smart, intelligent, driven, focused man. He was also very approachable on set and made everyone feel comfortable. I was not intimidated to talk to him or ask questions.

Al K Hall: i bet he says the same thing about you. How’d you get the part?

Nancy:  I auditioned for Argo at Warner Bros., for Lora Kennedy [AlKHallism: Lora is Argo's casting director], and beat out 30 girls. Simple as that.

Al K Hall: That’s what you think. The last time i tried to beat out 30 girls didn’t go so well. But back to the movie, did you go?

Nancy: I saw Argo in the theater. It was nice when everyone screamed and cheered after I delivered my line. Unfortunately, I had two other scenes with Affleck which did not make the cut, but I saw myself on the screen and that’s all that matters. I picked up that phone like a pro!!!!

Al K Hall: When you’re not being a famous model / actress, where could i find you if i keep at least 500 yards away?

Nancy: If I’m off work, I’m at the beach. Been living in Santa Monica for almost 4 years now and it’s my favorite place on Earth.

Al K Hall: What about a boring night at home in your PJs. Do-it-yourself tattoo kit?

Nancy: No tattoos. I always want one, but I know I will regret when I’m an old grandma.

Al K Hall: Wow, sounds like most of my weekends.

Nancy: When I’m “bored”, I like to cook and watch bad TV (reality TV…yes, I have a few I watch!) and catch up on my shows.

Al K Hall: What a coincidence! When i’m bored, i like to do whatever you want to do. [AlKHallism: i pass her another glass of champagne.] Here, this’ll help that gag reflex. While we’re on the subject of booze, what do you drink? This is for the Bar None, after all.

Nancy: My favorite drink is tequila (Centenario) and soda with a lime and Margaritas. And COFFEE !! Love coffee.

Al K Hall: Sure, but even us teetotalers love coffee. Haven’t you got anything a little sexier?

Nancy: Beginning of the year I did a campaign for “Jeremiah Weed” Whiskey. It was amazing! We did over 60 spots on the web and YouTube and I got to do an amazing pin-up poster shoot. It was mailed out to fans all over the US.

Al K Hall: i knew you looked familiar! We did the whole Bar None in “Nancy Stelle Pinup” a while back. And that video is killer. You really have one hell of a sense of humor. i like that in a woman when she sees me naked. [AlKHallism: Nancy seems interested, or at least curious!] So, what do you say, wanna come back to my place and see how long i can suck in my gut?

[Nancy Stelle's eyes twinkle and a smile breaks like a fever across her face and she jumps to her feet and my heart rises with her like a balloon high on helium so i jump up too, so quickly i get a little head rush and feel dizzy with the emotion until i realize Nancy's just happy because she won the Angel of the Year award and she takes off for the stage to pick up her statuette and tiara while the Pope is in the other aisle gnashing his teeth because he didn't win and he's so pissed he calls security on me for stealing his seat and this interview suddenly ends as stupidly as it began.]

As you suspected, you clever patronizers, you, none of this exchange ever went down. My entire interview with Nancy was done with emails, where i sent her a list of innocuous questions and she answered them and i turned them into this mess. Her words, every last one of them, are really hers, though. i played with my parts (get your mind out of the gutter) to make it look like we talked face to face, but i left her answers well enough alone.

i’mma step right up now and give a big shout out to Nancy Stelle, who is as gracious as she is beautiful and as beautiful as she is talented and as talented as she is intelligent and as intelligent as she is gracious. She was very kind to put up with my idiocy and i’m deep in her debt for the time she took and the patience she demonstrated helping me put this together. If you’re anything like me, you should get that freckle looked at and you should also pray that Nancy Stelle has the long and luxurious career she deserves.

[Nancy is also a Stevie Nicks fan, so as an outro i'll dedicate Fleetwood Mac's "Gold Dust Woman" to her.]

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Here’s how real this just got…. Argo, the movie Amitis Frances Ariano starred in, won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture and i’m thinking the award is due in large part to the participation of this actress that we here at the Bar None scored an exclusive interview with. Read on, believe it, then thank me later.

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Amitis Frances Ariano's IMDB page.]

From Amitis’s mouth to your ears: The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

[Press 'Play' for a song that comes straight from Amitis's dance card]

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the pot luck that is my life. Not only do i get to see a movie as good as Argo but then i’m fortunate enough to interview not just one but two of the actresses in this Oscar nominated film, and to top all that off they both are as sweet as they are talented and beautiful. i got so much luck spilling out of me, i’m about to get some of it on you.

Amitis Frances Ariano plays a Persian Dancer in Argo and she did this so well she was even the poster child for the film, meaning she herself is on the poster to the whole freaking movie. Who else can you say that about? OK, who else can you say that about not including Ben Affleck? That Amitis would be so generous as to appear on the poster and still stop by the Bar None despite how famous she’s becoming (and she’s very becoming, believe you me), blows the mind, beats the heart and saves the soul.

Sit back and enjoy the ride of her life.

There i was, feeling guilty in the court of public opinion, my development arrested, about to throw up on the mercy of the courting when an angel of mercy came to my defense. Amitis Ariano international defense attorney, stellar actress and beautiful human being both inside and out stood before me.

“Amitis! You’ve got to help me. i’ll do whatever it takes for you to get on my case.”

i pleaded innocently with her, presented my defenses and begged her to examine my briefs. Finally she agreed to an interview where she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Al K Hall: Now that you’re my official councilor, i need to know what i should call you. “Amitis Frances Ariano” is hugely beautiful but kinda long. Where does it come from?

Amitis Frances Ariano: My name is Persian from the time of Great Persian Empire. My mom wanted me to have a pure Persian name so she named me after Amitis, who was queen of the Persian Achaemenid Empire and the daughter of Astiak (Shāh of Mād, the Median King), wife of Cyrus the Great (the 1st Persian Emperor and the writer of the first declaration of human rights in the globe, named the “Cyrus Cylinder”).

Al K Hall: You’re lucky, my name just means “booze”.

Amitis: My mom also loved Princess Diana so named me Frances, as it was Princess Diana’s middle name.

Al K Hall:  Yeah, my parents just loved booze. Do you have a nickname?

Amitis: I’ve got many nicknames my friends create for themselves, but the majority of people call me “Amitis” because, after all, that is my name.

Al K Hall: True ‘dat. So, Amitis, I see you live in Southern California.

Amitis: I was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Calabasas, CA.

Al K Hall: Calabadass! What a cool name! Do you have fun in Calabadass?

Amitis: I always have fun, no matter what I do.

Al K Hall: If i looked like you, i would too. But what’s your secret? [AlKHallism: These interviews work better if we don't pay too close attention to my questions.]

Amitis: All my friends will say that I’m definitely one of the most fun people you’ll ever come across. But I keep it classy, as every lady should.

Al K Hall: Tell that to Lindsay Lohan. What do you do on a boring evening?

Amitis: Ever since I started law school, there is so much work and reading that you have no choice but to sit and read the books one at a time. The material is not boring, but when you have to read and do all this work, your freedom is taken from you, so I guess it could be boring.

Al K Hall: Kinda like you’re condemned to Law School. Doesn’t sound like much of a party.

Amitis and Princess Yogi

Amitis: Law school changes you. All the things you were able to do on a daily basis no longer exist so, on those rare evenings, I either go out or stay home and relax with my beautiful princess Yogi (my dog).

[Here's a tune Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to Princess Yogi: Maxi Priest - Wild World]

Al K Hall: Are you leaning towards prosecutor or defender? Give ‘em the key or throw it away?

Amitis: My passion is to practice criminal law. Criminal defense is my heart’s passion, but the District Attorney is the one with the power, and what I seek in life is Power, not money. Regardless of where the road takes me, or where I start, I will finish with criminal defense!

Al K Hall: Sounds good to me—i’d rather have you on my team than against it. But can you act and lawyer at the same time?

Amitis: I would love to be both (famous actress and lawyer), but right now I choose to pursue law school. I am dreamer and don’t want to limit myself to just one goal, but I have to focus on pursuing one goal at a time so I choose to first complete law school. Education has a higher priority for me above all else. What is beauty without brains?

Al K Hall: That was exactly my next question. How do you deal with being more beautiful and smarter than pretty much everyone on the planet?

Amitis: Ha ha, thank you! I want to be known for something. I want to be an influential person, a positive role model for others to follow.

Al K Hall: I’d follow you anywhere. Even if you were a lawyer.

Amitis: Talk to me in about 2 more years and then you can call me a lawyer, after I pass the bar.

Al K Hall: The Bar should be a cinch, you should see some of the crap i’ve passed. It’s a date, though! i’ll be here 2 years from now and i’ll call you whatever you want me to. Even a cab. Which reminds me, what’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?

Amitis: I don’t get drunk, so what you see is what you get.

Al K Hall: Whao! Just like me. Except with me, what you get is usually contagious. But tell me something i don’t know.

Amitis: I have a big heart… I’m a big dreamer with lots of determination and compassion. I also really care about those who are less fortunate, disabled and those who are suffering.

Al K Hall: That’s true, I did not know that. Hold on a sec, i’ve got just the right tunes for this.

[Press 'Play' for mood music]

Al K Hall: Cool, go ahead.

Amitis: Prior to law school, I used to feed the homeless frequently. I would make little lunch bags filled with water, burgers, chips, cookies, candy, fruits, gum, French fries and I would drive around for hours and find homeless people and give them food. The impact that I had on their lives was the best feeling in the world. They would cry and were so thankful and shocked to see someone young as myself, just doing an act of kindness and taking the time to feed them. The best part of it all was when they would tell me that what I did gave them hope and restored their faith, and showed them that good people really do exist. My purpose here on earth is to help those and to give back to those who need me.

Al K Hall: And i need you now more than ever. Just like i need you to tell me about how you got your foot in the acting door.

Amitis: I always wanted to pursue acting, but I never really gave it a try. I did a lot when I was younger, and was offered to be on a TV show on the Disney channel. It was an amazing opportunity but my parents ended up getting a divorce at the exact time this came my way. As time progressed, I just put all my focus into school and did exceptionally well. I put off acting but it has always remained a big interest that is still with me today.

Al K Hall: i saw you’re studying acting at the Playhouse West Acting School in Hollywood…

Amitis: Playhouse West was amazing! Jeff Goldblum was the one the founders of it and you have actors who started there from Ashley Judd, to James Franco, to Jim Carrey, Michelle Pfeiffer and the list could go on.

Al K Hall: If you see Michelle, could you ask her if she dropped the charges? Wait! You’re an almost lawyer! You could go give her a writ and—

Amitis: —Unfortunately, my time was cut short for I was only there for exactly one month! I got accepted to Law School and had to make a decision, pursue acting or law school? I made the right choice.

Al K Hall: Was that after you got the role of “Persian Dancer” in Argo?

Amitis: This is where it gets interesting.

Al K Hall: Uhm, meaning?

Amitis: Argo just magically fell into my lap, out of nowhere. I had no agent at the time and was taking my sister for an audition. I wasn’t planning on even taking my sister, but my mom told me to go and take my picture. So I listened, and I’m so happy I did.

[Another of Amitis's selections from the juiced-box: U2 - Beautiful Day]

Al K Hall: You should always listen to your mother.

Amitis: I arrive there and it was like a zoo, filled with tons and tons of people. This was an audition  for all Middle Eastern girls. So I take my sister, and I just leave my picture. Three days later, I get a call from a lady and it was the best phone call I have ever received in my life. She tells me that “Ben Affleck himself choose you out of all the hundreds of girls to play in his movie.”  I was beyond ecstatic when I heard that he choose me to play in his movie!

Al K Hall: Hell, if you ask me, he’s the lucky one.

Amitis: I went to Warner Brothers the next day, and went for the costume fitting. I was to portray Ornella Muti, who was voted #1 sexiest sci-fi actress/costume.

Al K Hall: Babe, anything you wear would be voted sexiest costume.

Amitis: I actually turned down the part at first because the costume was a bit too sexy, and got a phone call back saying that “Ben only wants you to play this part”, so I took it.

Al K Hall: So who was there to appreciate the sexy?

Amitis: My scene was with Ben Affleck and John Goodman. It started at the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton Hotel and if you look in the trailer, I am walking Ben inside the hotel. John Goodman is very funny guy, has the “I don’t give a shit” kind of attitude. I would say he’s kind of the typical Hollywood Star, nothing special about him. He was kind of an asshole to some people.

Ben Affleck and the producer came up to me on the second day of filming and handed me a script which consisted of about 6 lines that they wanted me to speak. I had about 15 minutes to look it over and my speaking scene was with John Goodman.

Al K Hall: Watch out, i heard he can be kind of an asshole.

Amitis: I was so nervous when the camera came to me. There were over 100 people in the room, with Ben and John and the producer and everyone else just staring into the camera that was on me. I spoke my lines back and forth with John and the robot you see in the poster and two other characters. However, during filming I messed up the continuity in that I kept switching my gold snake from my left to right arm, which was why my speaking scene didn’t make the cut. What can you do? You live and you learn.

Al K Hall: Ain’t that the truth. All the things i’ve lived, you’d think i’d have learned by now. But enough about me. What about Ben?

Amitis: I adore Ben Affleck!

Al K Hall: i bet he hears that a lot.

Amitis: He is such an amazing, kind, and humble man. He came up to me and introduced himself (as if I didn’t know who he was!), shook my hand asked me a few questions about myself.

Al K Hall: Kinda like i’m doing here. Well, except for the “amazing, kind and humble” part.

Amitis: That man is brilliant, hard working, creative and really just perfect. I am so lucky to have had such an amazing experience with him. He knows what he wants, how he wants it. He was very precise in the way he wanted things done.

Al K Hall: Wasn’t he always in your face, telling you what to do?

Amitis: The beautiful thing about his style (besides himself) is that he is very open, did not give any direction to me and just had everything flow naturally. He was so sweet! He was business and put fun into it and just so real, that’s very rare today in Hollywood…to find someone as genuine and down to earth as him.

Al K Hall: Did you get to hang with him?

Amitis: I was also lucky because I was in the same trailer as Ben and John for the preparation of filming every day. I had the same stylist they had and got to have my hair and makeup done the same time they did, too, while everyone else was in the hotel. It was amazing!

Al K Hall: Speaking of amazing, you also appear on one of the posters! How did you find out?

Amitis is on the left (no, your other left)

Amitis: I had no idea they were going to put me on the poster. I was so shocked! I was in law school when I found out. One of my friends posted a picture of the poster on my Facebook and said that it was right outside their work! I was so excited that they picked me to be on it! I found the poster online and have it framed in my house

Al K Hall: Did you keep any souvenirs of the shoot?

Amitis: Yes, I kept the robe I was wearing over my outfit and I recorded everything on my phone, from pictures to the filming, which I was not allowed to release till after the movie aired.

Al K Hall: You should’ve kept the costume, if you ask me…and i can tell from your expression that you’re most definitely not. How many times have you seen Argo?

Amitis: I only saw Argo once because I was in Law School and had exams coming up, but I will see it again. I was actually with one of my criminal defense attorneys friends when I saw it. I was disappointed that my speaking scene was cut out. But I always dreamed of seeing myself on the big screen and my dream ended up coming true.

Al K Hall: Like me talking to you right now! So what’s the next step?

Amitis: Argo inspired me to pursue acting. I got an agent after that and starting acting school at Play House West, sadly I only got a month to try it but I’ll come back to it one day.

Al K Hall: When you do, what’s the best way for a director or a casting agent to contact you?

Amitis: I am going to pursue Acting when my first year of law school ends, and the best way to contact me is through the information provided on IMDB.

Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?

Amitis: Never give up on a dream! Never let any obstacle in life bring you down. Have faith, believe in yourself, pray (power of prayer is amazing) and have a good heart. There is no such thing as impossible, whatever you truly desire, if you put the work and effort into it, it will come true.

Al K Hall: Yeah, that attitude is gonna come in handy during the Bar None Questionnaire. You know what they say, if you can’t beat them, buy a bigger club. So, what’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Amitis: I used to like whiskey, however I do not drink anymore. I don’t mind a glass of wine once in a while.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Amitis: Don’t remember.

Al K Hall: Wow, lucky you! Do you smoke?

Amitis: No.

Al K Hall: Do you swear? A lot?

Amitis: I don’t like to swear.

Al K Hall: Most importantly, what’s your opinion of teetotalers?

Amitis: I have a lot of respect for teetotalers. They are the clever ones because drinking only brings you down, makes you do things you would not do normally, affects your health and causes you to loose control. I’m all for “teetotalers”.

Al K Hall: And we’re all for you, Amitis!

If i was a fat lady, i’d be singing all over the place because this interview is sadly over. Now’s a great time to tell you what you knew all along, that Amitis and i did not meet in a courtroom or anywhere else. This whole interview was done through emails and i fiddled with my bits to make them look more realistic but i left Amitis’s words exactly as she sent them to me because why mess with perfection?

Many are called but few answer when they realize it’s me, so i really want to thank Amitis for her time and effort in putting up with my bullshit. i caught her in the middle of her legal midterm finals and the holiday season and she took time off from both of these to waste it with me, sharing this part of herself with you. She’s a totally professional young lady and i wish her the very best in her studies and the long career that awaits her in whatever path she chooses.

[Another song Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to her future: The Temptations (with Diana Ross & The Supremes): Ain't No Mountain High Enough]

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

[AlKHallism: All photos link to either Noa's IMDB page or her Facebook page.]

Here’s a killer song to kick off an interview with: Deep Dish – Say Hello

[Press 'Play' to Say Hello to  Noa with a song she herself requested]

What’s the biggest blockbuster so far this year? Iron Man 3. And just what is busting Iron Man’s block? What is the spark in his plug? What actress is responsible for his interplanetary success? You may think i’m too far gone but i’m still here to tell you it’s Noa Lindberg, who wore the coveted role of ‘Michele Cusick’ like a hot, tailor made  suit.

As if all that weren’t enough, she’s one of the most gracious women i’ve ever had the pleasure of not really knowing and if you ask me how i know this i’ll tell you it’s because she agreed to do an interview right here in the Bar None. Go ahead and don’t believe me like you always do but stay where you are because if you keep on reading you’ll see me put my funny where my mouth is.

There i was, lost at the wrong end of a bad weekend in some backroom outside Havana, and when i say i was lost i mean i was lost in a poker game to some mustachioed señora card shark who wore tablecloths sewn together and sandals made from shoe boxes. i didn’t have enough money to cover my losses so i was about to become some communist’s bottom bitch when Noa Lindberg magically arrived out of the cigar smoke that parted like curtains when she sat down at the table.

Noa told me i looked spayed and it’s true i wanted to die-man, but she had a big heart and fought for me in that club. The house was full, i felt flush and she had a beautiful pair but unfortunately didn’t want to play “hold ‘em”, she just wanted to play her hearts out for me and i was lucky the others were higher than the stakes but even luckier that Noa had great hands that quickly led me out of the hole i’d dug myself into.

She collected me because i felt cashed and i begged her to let me interview her there in the front seat of the 1956 Chevy Bel Air she drove me away in. Gracious as she is talented, she said ‘Yes’. 

Al K Hall: “Noa” is such a pretty name…

Noa Lindberg: Thank you very much, Al. Noa is an Israeli name that comes from the Bible.

Our Getaway Vehicle

Al K Hall: Not the guy with the ark?

[Noa has mad driving skills tearing through the back streets of Havana and i know they're the back streets because Havana has no front streets but this doesn't keep her from carrying on the interview.]

Noa: Noa was the youngest of Zelophehad’s 5 daughters, who are known as the first feminists in History. They petitioned Moses for their right, as women, to inherit property.

Al K Hall: And now you own my heart. [Note: She does not throw up at this. i repeat, she does not throw up.] You’ve come a long way, baby. Like Israel, where you were born. Is it as cool as it looks?

Noa candidly

Noa: I have and will always keep a special place for Israel in my heart. It is such a beautiful, charming, diverse, multicultural and – hard to believe but true – peaceful country.

Al K Hall: Oh, i believe it. i’ve been to Detroit.

Noa: You can feel history in every corner of a street. Anyone who has the chance to visit, should not hesitate. Our house was facing the Mediterranean Sea. The waves were the first and last thing I would hear and see in the morning and at night.

Al K Hall: Sounds just like Yeamen. Except for the waves and beach. But i hear and see things all the time here, in the morning and the night. Which you probably did in France after you lived there, right?

Noa: I lived in Paris until I finished my Masters in Law and Business.

Al K Hall: Now i’m starting to see why you’re so good at gambling. But Paris must’ve been cool.

Noa: My favorite part of living there was probably having my Mom with me at all times! I also loved that everything was close-by and that in just a couple of hours I was in London or any other European capital!

Al K Hall: Or Miami? How did you wind up there? What does Miami have that Paris doesn’t?

Noa: The weather! Paris is great for education–to my opinion probably one of the best systems in the world. Europe in general has so much culture. But it was time to move on. I was born in a warm country, in a beach town after all. And Miami did it for me.

Al K Hall: Wow, i wish i was Miami.

[Speaking of the Maimi vibe, this  is the song that comes on the radio during our daring Cuban getaway. Fragma - Tocas Miracle, which is Cuban for "The Virgin's face on my taco shell".]

Noa: The U.S. is a country of opportunities. If you have the skills, talent, qualities, focus, a little luck, and of course you are willing to work, you can make it!

Al K Hall: That’s why i had to move to Yeamen. But before i make a fool of myself and beg you to run away with me, or at least not run away from me, any husbands / boyfriends i should know about?

Noa: All I will say is: He is my soul mate and my #1 fan!

Al K Hall: I’ll give you “soul mate”, but as for #1 fan…there’s a long line. He may have to take a number. What about tattoos? Any cool scars?

Noa: No tattoos, but definitely some badass scars! On the left corner of my left eye, my left eyebrow, my left knee, my left ankle… My right side is pretty intact though!

Al K Hall: And your left side isn’t doing so bad, either. When you’re not getting scarred up, what does a girl as talented and beautiful as you do in your downtime?

Noa: First of all thank you for all the compliments, I’m blushing! I’ve learned from past experience that it is important and healthy to take some time off, to clear the mind. I’m never bored, but a typical chill evening would involve my man, a blanket, a glass of wine, popcorn with extra butter and a movie.

Al K Hall: Sounds great! i’ll have to try it sometime. Just let me know the next time your man is free. Or maybe we could play poker for him?

A Hot Track

Noa: You probably don’t want to play me at poker. No, you do not. Or just give me the money now, so at least the one thing you won’t lose is your time, ha ha. I also discovered a new hobby. I’m totally into Go-Kart now and I’m really competitive.

Al K Hall: So if i’m in Florida for a day, where would be a good place for me to ‘track’ you down? [Oh please, like you expect better from me.]

Noa: After a casting, I usually go to Dunkin’ Donuts, order my latte and toasted croissant with cream cheese, and sit down at my usual table by the window. If that table isn’t available, which happened only once so far, I’m totally lost!

Al K Hall: Next time just give me a call–i’ve got some smells that will clear anyone away. Other than Dunkin’ Donuts, what are you favorite vices?

Noa: Big Mac with extra Big Mac sauce and a Cuban Colada! I’m always loaded on Colada on set.

[AlKHallism: 'Colda' is not booze! True Story. It's the Cuban version of espresso and is what's fueling my rescuer as she careens out of the city.]

Cuban Colada

Al K Hall: Babe! Tell me something i don’t know?

Noa: I am pretty much addicted to South Park and can totally recite close to complete episodes of the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely twisted, pure genius.

Al K Hall: Was it Cartman who made you decide to try your hand, and all the rest of you, at acting? 

Noa: When I was a kid, the energy at home was pretty heavy, so I started to watch comedian stand-up shows. After a couple of times, I would already remember the text. I gave a try at performing it to my family and it would make them laugh a lot. They seemed to forget about all the rest, the issues or tensions around. They looked happy and that would make me happy. So I kept on. I noticed that performing and acting would entertain the people around me and I loved the feeling of being a partial reason for their moment of happiness.

Al K Hall: i bet you spread happiness like bacon flavored peanut butter wherever you go, Noa. You have the gift.

Noa: I’ve always been very creative and willing to express it. There are so many decisions you can make when you get a script. You are the creator of the character. Every word, every look, every gesture has a purpose. Acting is lots of work. It’s Art, and it’s an Art I love!

Al K Hall: Speaking of art, your first role was in a French film called Vidocq, as a Virgin sold off by her parents. Was this typecasting?

Good Vibes

Noa: Well, I was about 16 years old back then! I was indeed a virgin.

Al K Hall: Wait, what’s the opposite of TMI? NMI? Need More Information.

Noa: Hey, I was a good girl! I mean I am a good girl. Anyway, my mom would have never sold me.

Al K Hall: You were probably out of my price range anyway.

Noa: Actually, during the shoot, Pitof, the director, said that I should be particularly expensive and kept adding coins for the transaction scene. It sounds completely psycho, but wasn’t there a girl who sold her virginity for a million bucks on eBay or something?

Al K Hall: Careful, that’s my future wife you’re talking about–if the check clears. You also starred in the full length film Equal Strength. How did that come about?

Noa: Equal Strength was a fabulous experience. It was indeed the very first feature film I had the lead role in. I remember I almost didn’t go to the casting because I didn’t have an up-to-date résumé and headshot back then. I followed my guts, and I went and did a cold read as the sides were given directly at the audition. After my performance, I apologized for not having my headshot and résumé, but Ika Santamaria, the director of the film, said, “Don’t worry, I’ll remember you.”

Al K Hall: To be fair to the rest of the world, i bet you hear that a lot. But you killed the audition, basically.

Noa: I felt confident and left. I was requested to the callback, and was booked as Eva Williams! It was a very special project called “Movie Painting”, as the film was created with brainstorming and written along the shooting. When we started, we did not necessarily know where the story was going, which made it even a bigger challenge.

Al K Hall: Sounds like my sex life.

Noa: I love the result.

[Speaking of my sex life, here's a song called 'Silence' by Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) that comes out of the mono speaker on the Chevy's dash as we hideout next to a dumpster behind a tequilera. Strangely enough, it also happens to be a song Noa digs.]

Al K Hall: Wait–what?

Noa: The team became family. And Brent Battles, who plays my uncle in the movie, became one of my closest friends.

Al K Hall: Oh, right, the movie. How was the film received?

Noa: Equal Strength won a few awards in the US at the Women’s International Film Festival and the Palm Beach LDub Film Festival. The movie is currently in re-editing in order to be submitted to Cannes Film Festival.

Al K Hall: Speaking of “Cannes-Do”, you have the role of “Michele Cusick” in Iron Man 3. How did you get the part?

What Noa was wearing when she saved my ass

Noa: To avoid crowds and fans requiring more security and possibly slowing down the shooting, the biggest projects usually have a nickname title. So when I was cast for Iron Man 3, I had no idea that’s where I was sent because it was called “Caged”.

Al K Hall: Like they used the title “Get Al Laid” for Mission Impossible?

Noa: Even agents are sometimes not entitled to reveal the information. But actors can have days so overbooked with castings and shootings, they cannot make it to them all and have make decisions and selections. So, I was hesitating about that one, but my agent insisted and ended up telling me privately, “You have to go, it’s for Iron Man 3!”

Al K Hall: And like one of Zelophehad’s daughters with property, you owned it. Who is Michele in the film?

Noa: Michele Cusick is an attendee of the Millenium New Years Eve party and Science Conference in Bern, Switzerland. Michele is flirting with Happy Hogan–aka Jon Favreau–while having a drink with her boyfriend who she ends up trading by midnight for an older (really older) wealthy man.

Al K Hall: Wait, that’s a thing? ‘Cause i’m a ‘really older’ man. Not wealthy, but what i lack in ‘wealthy’ i make up for in ‘really older’. Was it a fun shoot? More fun than this interview?

Noa: My most enjoyable moment was actually when a sweet lady, one of the extra talents that worked on the set, came to me and said: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother, aren’t you the main actress in… that movie… Equal Strength!?” I simply hugged her and smiled, it made me very proud to do what I do! Overall, fabulous experience.

Bar None artist’s hallucination of that moment

Al K Hall: That must have been so cool. Imagine someone who knows your name and they’re not even carrying a warrant! But wait, your scene was a party scene? You must’ve got buttloads of free booze!

Noa: Free booze? Well, as it was a party scene, champagne was ginger ale, white wine was apple juice and red wine was flat coke and water. The second day, I almost thought of bringing booze to make my own “fake but not so really” drink, but I forgot to take it in the morning, as I had only slept 4 hours in between the shoots.

Al K Hall: “Fake but not so really”, awesome! Like “kind of a virgin” cocktail. What did you “kind of” steal from the shoot?

Noa: All the pins they had to stick in my hair!

Al K Hall: And, barring any arrests for that, have you got any upcoming projects?

Noa: I am currently working on writing 3 screenplays, 2 feature films, and 1 TV show pilot (and full season if the project works out). I am finishing a drama, starting a comedy, and wrapping up the show project. I am also planning on writing, directing and performing a dramatic short film and a series of shorts. Yes, that is a lot of writing!

Al K Hall: Cool. i hope you’ll give us a shout here when that stuff starts coming out. You know what i mean. If a real professional (and not just “an interviewer but not so really”) person is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Noa: To movie directors and casting agents, you can join me by contacting my agent, Elissa at Boca Talent: elissa [at] bocamodels.com, or check my contact information on my IMDb pro. In case of urgent or last minute matters, I always recommend Facebook private messages.

Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did during a Resident Evil marathon, did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?

Noa: You can always subscribe to my YouTube channel and look out for the new Schweppes TV commercial in which I am starring – and rude staring at – Iggy Pop. Wonderful experience.

[A music video starring our girl]

Al K Hall: Iggy Pop!? No way! He and I are going to hook up sometime if he ever finds out i exist.

Noa: Iggy is really sweet and we talked a while in between rolling cameras. He is a legend in the music culture and knows a lot about everything. So when he said, “You look like a Hollywood star”, you can only imagine how great it made me feel!

Al K Hall: You wanted to call the cops? Because that’s what girls do when i say they look like Hollywood stars. Anyway what message do you have for Iggy and your bajillion other fans?

Noa: Thank you so much for your support, comments, likes and interest. I always take the time to respond, so feel free to write me. Here’s my official page: http://www.facebook.com/noalindbergofficial

Al K Hall: Well, i hope you’ve had your shots, and if you need more, i got your back because it’s time for the infamous Bar None Questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Noa in the Bar None

Noa: Really? Do I have to pick? Alright, let’s have a tasting of them all and I’ll pick after!?

Al K Hall: OK, but you’re paying. Who’m i kidding? You’re a woman and i’m the owner so you drink free. But be careful… When was the last time you had a hangover?

Noa: Let’s just say this morning I’m moving pretty slow after Sunday-Funday in Miami…

Al K Hall: How cool are you! Do you smoke?

Noa: “Smoking is bad, mmkay? And if you start smoking at an early age, mmkay, it’s gonna be bad, mmkay?” Mr Mackey.

Al K Hall: From South Park. Good impression, babe. What’s your favorite swear word?

Noa: Lately, it’d be “balls”.

Al K Hall: Are you positive? HIV positive? More South Park. You really are addicted. And while we’re on that subject, you know i’m in AA…what’s your opinion of teetotalers?

Noa: I admire people who do not feel any social pressure, because after all, drinking is, to my opinion, a social phenomenon. In the Entertainment Industry, you get to go out to events or festivals pretty often, you are always exposed to that pressure, people insisting on getting you a drink. If you refuse, even though you really don’t feel like having a drink at all, it can look unsocial. So I just tend to constantly hold a drink to avoid all this.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Noa: Taking the time to preparing a FUN interview! Thank you so much! Now let’s all cheers to the Bar None readers!

Al K Hall: From your lips to Google’s ears.

And that’s the way it goes because that’s the way she went. i know i don’t need to tell y’all that Noa and i, regrettably, never met face to face during a wild escape from Cuban card sharks or anywhere else on God’s grey earth. The whole interview was done through e-mail and i goofed around with my parts to make it look like she and i were together, but her answers were kept exactly as she sent them to me.

i really want to thank Noa for putting up with my ridiculousness and for investing herself so deeply in the interview. She was always right there with the answers and she generously shared all of the candid shots you see up there, because she just wanted to be close to you booze hounds and barmaids. If the world needs a next superstar, the world could do a lot worse than Noa Lindberg. Truth.

[Another song Noa likes, hand picked from Intouchables, one of her favorite movies: Eart, Wind and Fire - September]

Save the last dance for me

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has--you know the one--the one that says, "shut up".] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten. ;-)

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press 'Play' for "Happy", by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Maura: MauraGrierson.com

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and risaandchristina.com. We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?

Christina: PRETTY PISSED.

Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)--you've got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i'm thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?

Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!

She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.